Unbalanced load

You know when you're doing laundry and the rinse cycle comes around on your washing machine? Usually the rinse cycle comes off without a hitch, right? But there are times when the washing machine suffers from an unbalanced load.

This is when the materials you're washing in your washing machine shift from a collective, balanced load in the washing machine tub to one side of the tub. This happens with heavier, thicker items like hoodies, sweaters, blankets and small animals or children.

As I sit here and type my first original blog since November of 2009, my washing machine is suffering an unbalanced load. It is having a total conniption fit and knocking about like it's going to break free from my laundry area and make a run for it.

I'm somewhat entertained by the unbalanced load dance it's presently doing. It's almost as if I have a sole cinder block in there knocking around. I mean, my washing machine is really banging about with a brutal force.

Not only is it shaking like a crazed coffee or meth addict, it's whacking into the side of my dryer. This is adding to the noise level of the unbalanced load taking place 10 feet to my right.

So I have to stop writing, walk over there and see WHAT IN THE HELL all the fuss is about. Except I'm scared of my washing machine right about now. It's flailing about in such a way that it could not only damage my dryer but ME!

Since my washing machine is about waist high (like most washers and dryers), it could very well knock into my junk causing irreversible damage. How would I explain that to emergency room doctors?

DOCTOR: "What happened?"

ME: "My washing machine attacked me!"

DOCTOR: "I see. Where does it hurt?"

ME: "MY JUNK! IT HIT ME IN THE JUNK! THE SON-OF-A-BITCH DID A LOW BLOW, CHEAP SHOT!"

DOCTOR: "And your washing machine did this?"

ME: "YES! And it smacked around my dryer, too! I wanna press charges!"

DOCTOR: "Let me give you an examination and I'll have the authorities come in here and take a statement. How's that?"

ME: "HELL YEAH! *sniffle*"

After a thorough examination, the doctor informs me that I'll be fine and my sexual performance should not be effected. He then sends in a detective from the Salt Lake City Police Department.

DETECTIVE: "I know this is hard for you, but can you describe your assailant?"

ME: "*sniffle* Yes, it was a standard looking washing machine. It's in classic appliance white with one large control knob for various wash cycles. A smaller knob for water level control and several buttons for different water temperatures."

DETECTIVE: "Can you describe the incident and how you came to be assaulted?"

ME: "I was just doing some laundry. My washing machine has never acted out this way before! *sniffle* I was washing some sheets, a hoodie, some t-shirts and a couple of towels! *sniffle*"

DETECTIVE: "Everything is going to be fine. Just take a deep breath and try to continue, ok?"

ME: "Yes, *sniffle* ok."

DETECTIVE: "I want you to look through these mug shots of washing machines we have on file. Is there one in here that looks like the model that assaulted you?"

ME: *starts leafing through a binder full of washing machine pictures* "Geee, I don't know. It all happened so fast. I'm not sure I could identify the right machine... these all look the same... WAIT! OH MY GOD! THIS ONE! THIS IS THE ONE THAT PUNCHED MY JUNK!"

DETECTIVE: "Ahhhhhh, yes. The Whirlpool Heavy Duty Super Capacity PLUS. This one has a history of laundry cleaning problems that we've picked it up for numerous times. If you feed it just a little too much laundry detergent and heavier cotton items, it gets belligerent quickly."

ME: "It's had issues of abuse in the past?"

DETECTIVE: "I'm afraid so. Does your washing machine have a dryer mate?"

ME: "Yes. Yes it does."

DETECTIVE: "A MATCHING dryer mate?"

ME: "Yes. It was also slapped about in this incident. But it didn't want to get check out nor did it want to come forward."

DETECTIVE: "This is very common with matching washer and dryer sets, sir. Many washing machines have a laundry issue. Such as an unbalanced load that causes the unit to jerk, jolt, bang and wiggle loudly and, sometimes, violently. In cases where a washing machine doesn't have a matching mate, for instance a Whirlpool washer and a Maytag dryer, the dryer will sometimes come forward because it has no matching allegiance to the assaulting washing machine. But, not to blame the victim here, such assaults can be avoided by making sure you have a suitable, balanced load that isn't over capacity."

ME: "OH! SO IT'S MY FAULT THAT THE WASHING MACHINE COULDN'T TAKE MY GIRTHY, MANLY LOAD! NOW YOU'RE MAKING MY WASHING MACHINE THE VICTIM HERE AND NOT MY TENDER, SWOLLEN BALLS! SCREW YOU, COPPER!"

DETECTIVE: "Sir, please calm down. I wasn't trying to judge or take sides. But we've come to find through these types of investigations that the operator of the washing machine just wasn't following the instructions on how to handle a washing machine. Has an incident like this happened before?"

ME: "Well, yeah. There have been a couple of instances where the washing machine rocked about a bit and then returned to normal on it's own. This time was different because it got really out of hand. I approached the washing machine to push the control knob and make it stop during the rinse cycle in mid-spin. But before I could do that, it pounded me in the nuts and slapped the dryer numerous times before I could stop it. IT WAS HORRIBLE! *sniffle*"

DETECTIVE: "I realize that this is going to be difficult for you to hear. And probably embarrassing since having to come to the emergency room after being assaulted by your washing machine. But I just don't see a worthwhile case here."

ME: "WHAT?! The damn thing lunged at me and hit my twig and berries! Not too mention that it was knocking around my dryer for a bit before I went to investigate the problem! I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS!"

DETECTIVE: "Nor can I believe that you've played out this entire incident in written form in a blog. I mean, REALLY?"

ME: "Well, it seemed really funny at the time."

DETECTIVE: "And now?"

ME: "Not so much."

I could just start this blog over with new subject matter but I won't. I'm just too lazy to go over and highlight all this text and click delete.

While that entire event was playing out in my mind and then running through my fingers into this blog, I came to find out that it was my fault that my washing machine was shaking like Michael J. Fox.

I had to keep adjusting the load I was washing to keep my washing machine from knocking about because the load was, in fact, heavier on one side that the other. I'm in the process of laundering a heavy hoodie that I wear at work. That was a wet, bundled mess on one side of the washing machine tub.

The other materials like my sheets, pillow cases and a couple of t-shirts were slapped up against the opposite side of the washing machine tub. The combined weight from the sheets and whatnot was far heavier than the weight of the hoodie.

The two opposing forces on either side of the washing machine tub made for a huge racket as my washing machine contorted about until I finally got up off of my ass here and went to make it stop. Jesus!

Aside from doing a little bit of laundry, I'm also trying to clean up my place and do some dishes. I can only use on sink full of dish water since I've run out of dish soap. I'd use some laundry soap but I'm afraid it'll cause my dishes to become unbalanced in their wash cycle and break.

Man, that was a stretch for a joke. And a bad one at that. Even I groaned at it.

Basically, I'm just waiting around and being lazy until I find the time is suitable for me to start drinking. But since I'm so broke that I can't afford dish soap, this also causes an issue for beer money.

Luckily, I still have a little bit of red wine and some vodka and some orange juice to tide me over and bring on a nice haze of tipsy to full-out drunk. But mixing the two could be a very bad combination because you should never mix your liquors.

I have to admit that I've been in a bit of a funk. But this is what happens when you're neurotic and bi-polar like me. I'm trying to not let it get my spirits down but it sure as hell seems to be happening anyway. DAMN IT!

Also, I don't feel all to well. I have some kind of pinched nerve under my left ear that is now radiating to the left of my upper back. It makes moving my head very unpleasant.

Add that to my continuing enlarged prostate issue and I'm a cornucopia of uncomfortable, dull pain. HELLO MID-30's! This is awesome to be a potential candidate for the medication known as FlowMax.

I learned more about the prostate back in October of 2009 when my doctor informed me that the troubles I was having were due to an enlarged prostate. He discovered this by giving me a rectal examination by putting his finger in my butt and feeling around.

To give you an idea of what the prostate is and how an enlarged prostate occurs, check out this informative video from the FlowMax website:

Your prostate and you: a look at BPH

Now, I'm not on FlowMax or any type of prescribed medication. I will say that when I saw the doctor back in October, he prescribed these giant horse pills and muscle relaxants that I had to take twice a day for 28 days. They were very effective and made me feel great! Especially the muscle relaxants.

However, when the medication ran out, I started to experience slightly worse pain than before I went to the doctor. After a couple of weeks, all of that disappeared and I had been feeling pretty okay.

But about a week ago, the pains that had been associated with my enlarged prostate came back around. Therefore, I need to go back to the doctor and probably get another finger in the butt, again. I might request a referral to a specialist and get some tests done, too. Since I have insurance, I might as well use it, right?

Getting old sucks. I'm going to be 37 years old in less than a month. WOOT! Do you know that the other day while I was at work I smelled the STRONG scent of burnt toast? I did. I thought I was about to have a stroke! I heard or read somewhere that some people who have suffered a stroke smelled burnt toast. Turns out, it was actually burnt toast because other people I work with smelled it, too. I just never found out where the smell originated from.

I have to get back to cleaning and drying that unbalanced load that started this entire rant of a blog. I've have more writings on the way so stay tuned.

-Mike The Janitor
©2010
Millenoma Publishing