Pooper snooper

For the last several weeks, I’ve been dealing with a constant, dull pain in my lower back. A few days ago, some of that pain had shifted from my lower back over to my right side while still continuing to be a pest in my lower back.

Yay!

I’ve lost time off of work because of this pain. It’s troublesome by making it hard to move comfortably. In my present line of work, I do a lot of bending and lifting and all that. I recently completed a project at work that required me to move 55 pound buckets of ink for over five hours as I rearranged them. This did not help the growing pain in my lower back. It just seemed to aggravate it even further.

But I’m cool like that, yo. I have a pretty high tolerance level for pain. And I very rarely ever go to the doctor. If I’m not bleeding severely or having massive chest pains, it’s all good. Even then, I’ll deal with it as long as I can before I cave and go see a medical specialist.

It’s not that I don’t like going to the doctor, mind you. I just never find the need. Plus, I’m usually in fairly good shape and not one to get sick too frequently. Outside of being out of shape and somewhat overweight, I’m as cool as a cucumber.

By the way, I’ve never fully understood that term “cool as a cucumber”. I’d like to know what farmer coined this phrase and made it all the rage? Actually, it’s not really all the rage, is it? It’s an old school term that should stay in the old, perhaps. But then again, it’s a total, fun flashback saying like “the cat’s pajamas”, “cool beans, daddy-o”, and “fuck Kanye West”.

Maybe back in the day, the cucumber coalition was looking for a marketing tool to sell more cucumbers? I’m assuming that farmers were developing stockpiles of unused cucumbers. They approached the National Cucumber Council of Greater North America (NCCGNA) and said they needed to rid their storage silos of vast amounts of cucumbers.

I think that the head of the NCCGNA (which is that stork from the Vlasic pickle ads) brainstormed with a popular New York ad agency and they came up with “cool as a cucumber”.

I bet other slogans like “the juicy, green shaft”, “the cucumber: more than just a kinky sex toy”, “the makings a pickle”, “better than okra” and “if your penis looks like a cucumber, see a medical professional” just didn’t make the cut.

Although the last slogan was used to promote safe sex and abstinence in the early 50’s. Especially among the men and women in the armed forces. Back then it was called “Cucumber Cock”. If you search on the internet, you can find the old advertising posters (like the classic “War Bonds” and “Rosie The Riveter” posters) that depict a large, cartoon cucumber (it kind of looks like Gumby) pointing at exclaiming: “If you suffer from ‘Cucumber Cock’, see a doctor!”

Yes, I’m totally making this up. Funny, yes? You’ll never look at a cucumber the same again. You’re welcome.

Anyway, let me get back to the seriousness of the ailment I’ve been suffering.

For years, I’m pretty sure I’ve suffered from kidney stones. Although I’ve never been diagnosed with kidney stones, it seems that it’s very possible that the pain I’ve been having for years in my lower back and right side would appear to be from kidney stones. It even says so on WebMD. It also says it could be “muscle strain”, “kidney infection”, “pulmonary embolism” and a variety of other possible issues.

While at work last Wednesday, the pain got to be a bit too much. I then realized (and why it took me SO long to realize this) that this pain is exactly what sent me to the emergency room almost a year ago.

Of course, back then, the pain was casing me to have shortness of breath. I’m not having the shortness of breath but if I was, I wouldn’t go to the damn emergency room. Hell, I didn’t want to go the emergency room the last time my condition got this bad.

At that time, the doctors couldn’t find anything really wrong with me. They attributed it to “flank pain”. And, the doctor said, the flank pain could have resulted from the passing of a kidney stone.

I was sent home and told to take 800 mg of ibuprofen (not to exceed 2400 mg in a day) for a week. I think I was also prescribed some kind of pain medication which I took once and then stopped because it made me sick.

So here I am with round two of this goddamn mysterious ailment. My boss encouraged me to take some time off of work to go to the doctor and see what the hell was going on. I looked through my health insurance’s directory to locate a doctor to go see. My previous physician was listed in the directory and accepted my type of insurance.

But when I called to see if I could get in to see him, it turns out he was no longer practicing at this medical facility I called. Apparently he had moved his services to an urgent care center in Saratoga Springs. I sure as hell wasn’t going to drive clear out there to see my primary care physician.

I called a couple of other doctors under the “General Practice” listings. None of these doctors could get me in for an appointment until the beginning of next week. My boss suggested I just head over to the urgent care center that my company uses for drug testing and medical card renewals.

I laughed at this notion because I don’t really think of urgent care facilities as a place you go to for something like I was suffering from. Besides, my concern was that any doctor I see at an urgent care isn’t really going to take the time to truly diagnose my symptoms and pinpoint and answer as to what I could be suffering from.

Not only that, this urgent care was more for industrial, work related accidents, in my mind. If I went there for my pre-employment drug test and medical card renewal, wouldn’t I look silly going there for a regular doctor visit? You go to a doctor’s office for exams and diagnoses, right? I guess I’m just stupid when it comes to my thought process on this issue.

So I broke down and went to the First Med Industrial Clinic & Urgent Care. My boss said I could leave work early and come back if it wasn’t too serious. I clocked out and drove to the clinic.

The one redeeming thing about this clinic is that there is the very sexy, petite redhead that works there that I have a huge crush on. Sadly, she’s married. Figures.

I filled out my paperwork, paid my co-pay and waited to see the attending doctor. I was called back by none other than the sexy redhead. She took my temperature, checked my blood pressure and asked what my symptoms were. She then took a urine sample and tested it in a little machine that reads pee.

She then put me in an exam room and I waited for the doctor. Not long after, the same doctor who gave me my DOT medical exam over a month ago came into the exam room.

He introduced himself and looked over the paperwork I had filled out earlier. He also had a bunch of sheets of something else but I have no idea what that was. Maybe it was my medical records? Who knows.

He looked over my papers and asked me what’s been troubling me. He reads aloud some of the symptoms I listed and asked for more specifics. I explain to him the following:

01: I’ve been to the emergency room for this type of pain in the past.
02: I’m going to the bathroom constantly. Even if I’m not drinking a lot of liquids.
03: I can’t sleep because of the pain and going to the bathroom.
04: There was one bathroom break where it burned slightly and smelled funny.
05: It’s hard to sit for long periods.
07: I do heavy lifting and move around a lot and this seems to aggravate my condition.
08: I think I have kidney stones.
09: I sometimes get nauseous watching “Dancing With The Stars”.
10: I'm not a fan of beets or candied yams during Thanksgiving dinner.

The doctor then asks me to sit on the exam table and he pushes around on my lower back. He hit a couple of uncomfortable spots which made me gasp slightly. The doctor then had me lay down on the exam table and bend my legs. He applied pressure to my abdomen with his hands and asked for me to describe any pain or sensation.

As he pushed around just above my crotch, it hurt somewhat. I explained to him there was pressure and it was uncomfortable. He then felt around my right side and I had a similar type of pain.

He explained to me that he didn’t think I had kidney stones. But, rather, an issue with my prostate that was causing the serious discomfort.

Oh boy. I could see what was coming.

He informed me that in many cases like these, men can either feel like or even be misdiagnosed with having kidney stones. The symptoms I was displaying were very similar. However, he felt that because of the pressure he was applying to my lower abdomen that it wasn’t a kidney issue.

He told me that I’m at the age where an enlarged prostate is very common. He asked if I had ever had my prostate checked. I told him that the last time I had an actual doctor examination, at 32, the doctor had offered such an examination but I had declined it.

This doctor said that he wouldn’t feel comfortable with me turning it down now because of my symptoms and that it was essential that the examination take place. I didn’t argue with him. I said “no sweat, doc.”, dropped my drawers and assumed the position.

Cyber friends and readers, you haven’t lived until your doctor is performing half of “The Shocker” on you. I wasn’t scared or embarrassed. I was actually pissed that I didn’t do this sooner. I could have possibly prevented this from happening.

Although the doctor had lubed up his finger for his visit to my private place, it hurt going in there. I kept thinking that the hot redhead was going to mistakingly walk in on us and be faced with my hairy ass up in the air and a guy’s finger deep-sea diving.

Then I had a momentary thought of awfulness. It dawned on me that one reason men have to have their prostate checked regularly after 30 is because of prostate cancer. A very common type of cancer in men.

As the doctor was letting his finger do the walking in Butt Town, I couldn’t help but giggle slightly to myself thinking how a lot of women think men are assholes. I found this funny because it seems fitting that one of the deadliest diseases can be found in men infecting their prostates which is examined via the ass.

I had to think of something else as the doctor played Lemmiwinks with my butt.

Again, the doctor asked for me to describe any unusual pain or sensation as he probed around. I laughed at this because how the hell can I know what to tell him when his finger is up my ass.

Now, I know guys make jokes about this all the time. It’s an age old joke. A tired joke, actually. But I can make fun of it since this is my first time getting a prostate exam. I had no idea going to see the doctor would result in such an examination.

It took less than 15 seconds for the doctor to hit my prostate which made me wince, squirm and cry out just a tad. I told the doctor that I think he found gold because that hurt. He pushed a little harder and asked what kind of discomfort I was experiencing.

Without missing a beat, I moaned that I couldn’t tell if I was having discomfort from a finger in my ass or from whatever he was hitting. The doctor chuckled and said that at least I was being a good sport about it all.

I told him that it hurt and it felt like I had to pee really bad. I was actually concerned that he was going to make me pee all over the exam room floor. The doctor assured me that wouldn’t happen. He then felt around for any other discomfort and abnormalities within my rectal area.

After finishing up, he explained that the good news was that he could tell that there didn’t feel like any type of abnormalities that could be signs of possible prostate cancer. He did discover, however, the tissue within my anus was soft around the prostate which confirmed it was enlarged.

The doctor then went on to explain that due to my enlarged prostate, it’s interfering with my bladder. My enlarged prostate is pushing against my bladder and pinching it in a way that makes it form like an hourglass. The top half of my bladder is collecting urine. The bottom half is collecting urine passing from the top half. From there, it passes out as I urinate.

What’s become a problem is the fact that I’m not completely emptying my bladder when I go to the bathroom. Although urine is sterile, it can become contaminated when an enlarged prostate prevents it from emptying correctly.

Well, guess what?

This is also what I’m suffering from. The pain I’m suffering from is actually from the bladder problem. The enlarged prostate pushing on my bladder is radiating pain to make it feel very similar to a kidney stone issue. And because my bladder isn’t emptying completely, I more than likely have an infection from the built-up, contaminated urine.

Yuck.

But I don’t have prostate cancer. That’s good.

With that, the doctor prescribed a muscle relaxant that will help with the pain and a medication that will assist in reducing the swollen prostate to normal size. I have to take the medication twice a day for 28 days.

The muscle relaxant I take once a day for the same duration. I won’t feel the effects of the enlarged prostate reducing for a couple of weeks. But the doctor assured me I will be feeling much better after the medication process is complete.

Good. I’m glad to hear this news and know a definite answer to something that has become increasingly painful for a long time. My question is, why the fuck didn’t the emergency room staff at the Intermountain Health Care Medical Center think to check for this? I mean... REALLY? I have an urgent care doctor in a First Med immediately think to check my prostate but not a full blown emergency room staff?! GODDAMNIT!

But then again, it could still be kidney stones. I’m just going to focus on one ailment at a time, though. I’ll keep the faith and hope for the best. And hope that this prostate thing is really all that is wrong with me.

Well, outside of my continuing mental illness.

-Mike The Janitor
©2009
Millenoma Publishing