"You can't let my death hold you back."

That was said to me in a dream I had last night. It was a very vivid dream. Not just vivid but one of those dreams that seemed SO REAL.

You know the dreams you have that don't really have any elements of oddness to them? This dream was like that. Well, aside from the weird looking monkey dog that attacked me, there was no other element of oddity.

I was in Reno. It was late November. I'm not sure why I was there but I wound up stopping by the Atlantis Hotel & Casino to see Smith & McClain from 105.7 KOZZ. They were doing their "Stuff-A-Bus" campaign.

I started helping them with their live broadcast because, for some reason, their remote technician had disappeared. We had some laughs and they asked me what I had been up to and they talked to me on the air.

At some point, the wind picked up and the KOZZ tent flew a few hundred yards as I chased it (this actually happened to me once). Out of the blue, a friend and former coworker/colleague showed up to help me catch the tent. It was Ken Allen

Ken was the first person I worked with and for when I was hired by Lotus. He oversaw the remote department. He was really good at his job and taught me well. I've always had great respect for him and let him down at one point that caused strain on our working relationship several years ago.

I stopped chasing the tent and stopped to chit chat with Ken. Ken was saying: "We'll chit chat later, buddy! We gotta catch that tent"!

When we got the tent and I helped Ken weigh it down so it wouldn't fly away again, a strange looking dog that was somewhat half monkey and half dog ran up and bit into my right forearm HARD!

It tore flesh away but it didn't even hurt. I was too excited to be there in Reno again working along people I had come to respect and admire and gain friendships with.

The dog ran up again and bit into my right foot. Ken grabbed a large antenna and whapped the monkey dog on the head and it ran off with a comical "yipe, yipe, yipe" cry.

As I talked to Ken, people came by and dropped off canned goods and clothes and many stopped to say hello to me. Then Jim McClain told me that Dane Wilt (the general manager over Lotus Radio in Reno that owns KOZZ) wanted to see me.

When I got to the station, Dane took me into his office. He informed me that he was impressed with the fact I took the initiative to help with the remote even though I wasn't on the payroll.

He went on to explain that I not only had a great history with Lotus but a bad one, too. At this point he called in Raina Weathers (who used to be the general sales manager at Lotus) who sat down in the meeting.

Dane looked and Raina and then to me and said: "Raina and myself have been talking with some others here and we've decided that we're going to let the past be the past. We don't have any on air positions available but we could use you full time to be our remote technician. Would you be interested in coming back and starting over with us because we'd really like to have you back"?

I immediately said yes. We didn't talk salary or anything of the sort and I didn't care. I just remember Raina congratulating me and leaving the office while I tried to keep from crying.

Dane looked at me and said: "I know it's been a rough road for you. But you cannot and WILL NOT fuck up this time! Do you understand me? Just don't. You have the ability and the potential to be great and you will be. Now get to work."

As I walked out of Dane's office, I was overjoyed with the new job and wanted to see all the old faces I'd come to know at Lotus. As I walked down the hallway, an office door opened and out walked my friend Nick.

I stood frozen in the hallway. Nick said: "Congratulations, El Gordo Melon. You can do this."

"Nick, you're dead."

"Yes, I am. And you can't let my death hold you back".

He walked back in the office and closed the door. As I looked away from the closed door in an utter daze, I saw everyone I had come to know and love and work with at Lotus Radio standing in the hallway clapping.

Clearly overwhelmed, I started to cry. And then I woke up.

I decided that I'm making it a goal to get a suitable radio job before October 10th. That day will mark the second year that Nick has been gone. His birthday is coming up on June 9th. I have a secret ambition to get a gig on or before that date but it's a little unrealistic with the way the radio market is.

But I believe I can get a radio gig before October 10th. It would be even more fantastic if I could get something in Reno. That only seems fitting. And who knows... that could very well happen.

This dream was a hard truth and an inspiration that I might as well get back into the swing of doing what I've always been meant to do. I know I've made this claim before and never followed through on it.

Not this time. This dream was a clear sign of things I've been repressing and need to admit to. I've been holding myself back not only because of Nick's death but because I felt deflated, worthless, used, disrespected, stained, judged, hated, despised and washed up.

This is me projecting my own feelings of guilt and remorse of stupid shit I've done onto others. It's time for me to know that I make mistakes and will continue to do so. But I've learned from that and I need to keep harboring such anger against myself. And I need to stop being angry at those involved in my life that have been close to bad situations involving me.

Yes, I could use some therapy and I intend to do that. But I also intend to do some self help here and accept what my friend JJ and others have said. That I'm not happy because I'm denying how much radio means to me and IT IS and ALWAYS will be where I need to be.

I'm not someone who is meant to mow lawns all day or operate a forklift or work in a warehouse or who knows what else. Radio is all I have ever known since I was a senior in high school. And even before then, it's what I wanted to do.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome back Mike The Janitor.

Seriously.

-Mike The Janitor
®2007
Millenoma Publishing

Shhhhh... do you hear that? it's the coming of IKEA!

Oh yes, my cyber buddies. The fine state of Utah and the county of Salt Lake will now be a part of the trendy elite.

BEHOLD.... IKEA!

The excitement is overbearing for me. I'm being serious. I know of what treasures await within an IKEA store for decent, cheap prices. If ever I get my own place again, (or, better yet, A HOUSE), IKEA will be my dream place to shop with all it's shiny, contemporary objects.

I love the designs that are available at IKEA. Those Swedish people really know how to set the standards for modern design and decor. And very soon, I (along with the entire state of Utah) will be able to plan out my future of leisure living within their MASSIVE 310,000 square foot store in Draper!

All bow before the mighty God IKEA!

The only other store that comes close to IKEA is Target. Target is cool for those of us that like to be trendy or on the cutting edge or modern or chic or trying to look expensive and high class.

However, IKEA raises the bar by offering SO MUCH MORE!

It's the talk of the town here in the valley. It's big news. I'm not kidding. This is like whenever a Wal*Mart opens a supercenter in a town that has a population of 1200. From a news paper article I read, this IKEA store will be their 30th store opening and the largest of it's kind.

The store has a 300 seat restaurant inside of it! Fuck it! I'm just going to go live there. I can get free room and board and sell and live IKEA! I'll never have to leave!

That's what makes Utah so great. Everything is BIGGER and BETTER here. We're like a test market for everything cool. We have Sundance and the 2002 Winter Olympics to thank for that. And maybe Mitt Romney, too. And possibly Joseph Smith, Jesus Christ, God, some golden plates, a horn blowing Moroni and some other factors, I'm sure.

Salt Lake City is becoming more and more of a go to place for all things trendy and cool and fun and blah, blah, blah. We're not just about the Mormons anymore, kids. Oh no! And with the arrival of IKEA, there is NO STOPPING OUR STATES' TREND SETTING WAYS!

MUAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Now if we could just get a goddamn Jack In The Box here. Sheesh. Actually, a few people have told me that Jack In The Box was here at one time. But due to some serious issues of food poisoning, they closed down the few locations they had in the Salt Lake Valley.

Damn it. Jack In The Box is awesome for those cheap, late night food fixes when you're three sheets to the wind and craving two big tacos for 99 cents. Followed by some drunk shopping and people watching at Wal*Mart.

This is a big reason I want to go back to Reno. 24 hour drinking and Jack In The Box. I have no other real aspirations because that's all I need. Booze and Wal*Mart. They complete me.

Now, the news about IKEA opening here on May 23rd is crazy. IKEA has even ENCOURAGED people to start camping out tomorrow for the opening of the store on Wednesday. The are have IKEA tailgate parties planned.

I actually want to do this. It sounds like fun. Then I realized what kind of crazed idiot goes and camps out in a store parking lot awaiting it's opening?! I'll tell you who... ME! I'd do it. And I guarantee that there will be several other thousand people doing it, as well.

Hell, they're probably already setting up camp right now. The opening of this store is such a big deal, the Draper City Building and Planning Commission and the Draper City Police are devising ways to maintain order and cut down on traffic issues.

I'm secretly hoping for riots, the burning of cars, women and children fighting over the free door prizes of pillows and chairs and drunken fist fights between men at the tailgate parties. I want all hell to break loose and water trucks, riot gear, K-9 dogs and pepper spray to be brought out in full force.

I want no harm to come to anyone, mind you. I just want to see pure chaos. I want to see raging commotion happening in the streets and in the parking lot of the looming, blue and yellow (colors that also scream Best Buy) IKEA God! I think it's only appropriate that some human sacrifices be made in it's grand opening honor.

I'm going to go there and build a shrine and pray before Lord IKEA. I will speak in tongues and roast a goat while using it's blood for pagan rituals to please my IKEA Lord.

I think I'll buy some property around the area of Lord IKEA and build a Church of IKEA where we worship the Swedes in all their contemporary glory! We will march in the streets and burn ANYONE at the stake who owns a couch or anything else from R.C. Willey!

The time has come for IKEA to rise from this mortal coil and rule this grand opening day!

MUAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

ALL HAIL IKEA! PRAISE IT'S GLORIOUS NAME AND FANTASTIC BUYS! SHOWER ME IN SUITABLE BARGAINS AND MAKE ME A CONDUIT FOR YOUR GLORY AND TEACHINGS, LORD IKEA!

I can't wait. I just can't wait. OH BOY! Saint IKEA is coming to save us all from really bad, southwestern looking country home style furniture!

-Mike The Janitor
©2007
Millenoma Publishing

Mike's Top 20

While I've been looking for a new job, I've been listening to a lot of music. What's great about applying for work online is the fact I can have my iTunes running in the background.

Sometimes I'll get distracted by a song and think of another song that I don't have in my collection that I want. That causes me to break away from looking for work and searching for that song on iTunes.

Then when I find the song, I buy it for a buck. After which, I listen to it a few hundred times. Then I think of MORE songs I want and start all over again. Before I know it, I've bought 20 songs and 14 hours have passed since I was originally applying for work!

Perhaps I should not listen to music on iTunes while I'm working to find work, huh?

Mike's Top 20 Songs:
20: Gary Glitter "Rock 'N' Roll (Part II)"
19: Mystic "The Life"
18: Moloko "Fun For Me"
17: Urban Dance Squad "Deeper Shade Of Soul"
16: Molly Hatchet "Flirtin' With Disaster"
15: XTC "I Bought Myself A Liarbird"
14: Creeper Lagoon "Empty Ships"
13: The Pixies "Where Is My Mind?"
12: Pink Floyd "When The Tigers Broke Free"
11: Madonna & The Black Eyed Peas "Hung Up vs. Shut Up (St. Ken Mash Mix)"
10: Dead Can Dance "In The Kingdom Of The Blind, The One-Eyes Are Kings"
09: Moke "Down'
08: Third Eye Blind "Graduate"
07: Simple Minds "Sanctify Yourself"
06: Thompson Twins "You Take Me Up"
05: Hubert Kah "Machine Gun"
04: I Monster "Daydream In Blue"
03: The Decemberists "Here I Dreamt I Was An Architect"
02: Metallica "Fuel"
01: Ben Folds "Fired"

-Mike The Janitor
©2007
Millenoma Publishing

Welcome to Single Mom Central (S.M.C., UT.)

Nowhere else on Earth will you find a wide variety of single moms then you will in the state of Utah. And not only are we talking a single mom of one but a single mom of several.

Utah is a breeding ground of newborns. Especially blonde hair/blue eye babies. We're talking good looking "Children Of The Corn" kids running all over the place.

It's not really Utah more than it is the conditioning of the Mormon religion. Big families are a big deal with this church. And if Mitt Romney gets in the White House (yeah, RIGHT!) they'll have to build an extension to it just to house everyone in his family and extended family.

It must be hard to be a single mom in Utah. I know it was for my mom. So for me to write a blog that somewhat mocks just how prominent it is here, is ironic. And possibly, slightly rude.

I mean no offense to single moms. But it's crazy insane the amount of single mothers I've been encountering while doing this online personals thing. It's not just the single mom I've been witnessing but the AGE of the single mom.

I've been reading the profiles of many single moms who are anywhere from 18-40 years old and many of them with more than one kid. But the younger ones, like between 18-22, have more than one kid. There is one young lady whose profile I was reading that is 22 and has THREE kids. Yet she has never been married.

Another young woman was 19 with two kids and DIVORCED. WHHHAAAAAAT?! This is nutty. Well, clearly this has happened because someone busted a nutty and had a little buddy and left the female which left things muddy and that must make that female feel like silly putty.

Man, that was a lame attempt at a joke and a rhyming poem.

Anyway, I know that for my mom that her having a little bastard made it difficult for her to find a suitor. She dated a couple of guys while I was growing up but never really settled down with anyone. That must have been really hard. Everyone needs a companion. She never really got hers. I feel partly to blame there because I was the kid that got in the way.

This isn't to say I feel responsible for her non-existent dating life. But I empathize with her situation. It's tough to be a single mom trying to make ends meet and find someone you connect with that also likes kids and wants to be a part of a bigger picture.

I've been involved with some single moms over the years. Some I've been close with where I've been around their children. Others I've been with and they've introduced me to their kids too early.

And still others I've been involved with never talked about their kids all that much nor had me around them. It all depends on how a single mom views the man she is seeing, I guess.

Personally, if I date a single mom, I'd like to meet the kids much later in the relationship. It seems only appropriate. If a single mom and I were just hooking up for good times and casual sex, there is no point for me to interact with her children.

But when is a good time? One girlfriend I had, Lisa from Reno, Nevada, used to screw the hell out of me back in the day. Then she moved away when she joined the Navy. She also got married (even after I stressed to her not to) after two weeks of knowing some guy she met while in the Navy.

The marriage went bust and so did her time in the military (with an honorable discharge). When she came back to Reno, she was now a mom. When I finally heard from her, she was calling me from her hospital room to let me know she was having another child.

Wow.

She and I hung out for quite a bit after she had her second baby. We had sex a couple of times, too. Maybe it was just once? I don't remember exactly. I just know that I had feelings for her but not enough to sustain a relationship and certainly not to be a father to her children.

I truly believe she has hated me for this and made it clear she never wanted to speak to me again when I upset her regarding my feelings for her.

She's since remarried and still lives in Reno with her husband, Mitch. I've thought about her from time to time and envied Mitch because I liked Lisa a great deal. But not enough to commit to her in a long term relationship that involved children. I said that already.

There was another female I was briefly involved with named Nicole. Nicole lived outside of Reno in a town called Fernley. She had two kids and was still a young, wild woman who I felt, at times, just wanted to fuck and drink. Ironically, she was Mormon.

The sex was fun with her but that was about it. The distance between us and our schedules made seeing each other hard. Plus, she was a close friend of the girlfriend of MY friend. That's how we met, actually. Thanks Brieanna.

Long story short, I wasn't really into her, she wasn't into me and blah, blah, blah. But one moment I remember about some sex we had was when I first met her kids. I had gone out to her place in Fernley to hang out for the night. At some point during our foreplay, one of her boys woke up and came out into the front room where we were.

Instead of putting him back to bed, she let him crash on the couch. We went in the kitchen next to the room with the couch and fucked like wild beasts over the kitchen counter while the kid slept.

That's just wrong. But what are you going to do when kids are involved? Single moms will stop at nothing to get the cock. I bet if Nicole, or any woman in that position, was wanting the cock so bad, she would have put a paper bag over his head while we boned in the recliner.

OK, maybe that's a stretch but it's funny. Maybe it's not funny to Nicole. Hi Nicole. She was sexy. Petite with these fantastically large natural breasts. She was a thing of beauty but nowhere near my type. Looks can only get you so far with me.

And there was still another single mom that I really, REALLY liked. No, I was in love with her. I just couldn't express it right away. Her name was Angelina Morris. She had a little boy named Cody. And she was perfect. We had a lot in common and she was crazy about me.

But she got too close too quick and I pushed her away which made her decide to disappear. She had even warned me early on in our short lived relationship that once she makes the decision to leave, there is no going back.

And she was true to her word. Being a typical man, after I pushed her away because she was trying to hard to get too close too fast, I would call her late at night drunk confessing my feelings for her and trying to explain myself and how I didn't think she was being fair by not allowing me my room and time to get to know one another better.

This all went down in a matter of months. Soon, she would find someone else. That always hurt me. Maybe I deserved it. Maybe not. But I can say that I did love her. I also loved Lisa. Nicole was just a good time with sex.

But I think about how these single moms were looking at the situation involving me. Or any man they become attracted to.

For me, I try to keep my distance from single moms. It's not the kids but the possibility of losing my relationship with the woman I'm involved with. What happened with me and Angelina was tough. She meant a lot to me and I was excited to be with her and someday meet her young boy. I knew in my heart she was the girl for me.

I think I've mentioned this before but I openly told my friend Nick that she was going to be the girl I was going to marry. I had only felt that way once before with my ex-girlfriend, Christina. And I've never had that feeling again since Angelina. Nor have I had it after her.

For me, I'm looking to start a family of my own and not come into one that has already begun. There are many men out there, however, that like it the other way. I have several guy friends that have had successful relationships with single moms.

I don't know why I feel that way. It's just a preference. Of course, with my whole mental condition, I don't really have room to be picky. But I don't want to sell myself short, either.

Wait, that sounded bad. I'm not saying that being involved with a single mom would be selling myself short. Ahhhhhhhh, what's the use. I'm sure this blog will piss off several single moms no matter what.

If I were to encounter a single mom that had that spark the way Angelina got me going, I would have no reservations with hooking up with a single mom again. But right now it's not something I'm out seeking.

I have come to notice that many of the single moms here in Utah (and this is due in large part to the Mormon religion), are out there looking for a father and provider as opposed to a companion and lover. It's these women I try my best to stay away from. I just don't agree with this mentality... says the guy with the mental issues.

At this point in my life, maybe kids would be a good thing. But my own kids. As much as I hate to say it, my mom made a sacrifice. She loved me too much to really become involved with someone who might not only hurt her with a possible break up but hurt me to by being another non-existent male figure in my life.

I guess, actually I KNOW that it was hard on both of us. And some of that might have something to do with my problems today.

My man pig side just kicked in and reminded me how fun it is to feed the sexual beast of a single mom. They really love to have sex. Bunch of horny vixens, single moms. RAWR!

I sometimes feel guilt when having sex with a single mom. Women in general, especially single moms, have more of a bond and connection when it comes to sex then men do. Men eventually have these same feelings but it takes time. I've come to learn that women have it right away no matter how much they try to lie about or deny it.

Women are far more superior. They really are. They hold all the cards and they know it. I find that disturbingly hot and sexy.

I am in need of finding the right woman for me. Single mom or not. It's just something I'm desiring. But if I can't keep sane or keep a job... how the fuck am I going to keep a woman? Who knows! But I'm so up for the challenge.

-Mike The Janitor
©2007
Millenoma Publishing

A day at the movies... alone

I love going to the movies. I always have. I especially like to go to the movies with other people. Like a good friend or a girlfriend. Going to the movies is a fun first date, too. This way I can gauge if they are someone I'd want to continue to see if their tastes in film are similar to mine.

It's also fun to go to the movies with people you know because you have someone to talk to before the film. And to answer those silly movie trivia questions with, too. You can share in the excitement, the drama, the sadness, the action, the comedy and everything else that comes from the story playing out on the screen.

Sometimes it's fun to make fun of and berate a film should it turn out to be a big pile of shit. In recent years, I've seen several bad films where I've wanted to take a bullet to the face than sit through another minute of agonizing bad script.

I remember a couple of movies I was sort of looking forward to that I took my now ex-girlfriend Amanda to see. Both of the movies turned out to be a good way to torture someone. I thought they should immediately be played in Abu Gharib to get terrorist fuckers to spill their guts!

One was "UltraViolet" and the other was "Silent Hill". I felt so bad spending money on those pools of vomit that I wanted to picket out in front of every theater playing them and pay people to NOT see them.

Another time I recall seeing a really bad movie was with my friend, Bill Tanner. Bill and I went to see "Deep Blue Sea" back when I lived in Reno, Nevada. Christ, this movie was awful.

It was soooooo bad, in fact, that Bill and I (along with other people in the theater) started to mock the movie loudly. It was so bad that we couldn't NOT watch it. We we're more entertained by how BAD the movie was then it's potential to get better.

It never got better. As a matter a fact, I remember one scene in the film where the character played by Samuel L. Jackson goes off on this big speech and a shark comes up out of this pool and eats him. It was SO lame yet so fitting! It also got a huge laugh from Bill and I and we stood up and clapped.

Anyway, it's moments like that I enjoy experiencing with others in my company when I'm at the movies. There are movies now that I watch on VHS or DVD that I recall in a way that is fond to me because it reminds me of who I was with when I first saw it. I love those kind of memories and the feelings they bring.

Being unemployed again is somewhat nice. It gives me an opportunity to be more spontaneous while I'm out and about looking for work.

For instance, yesterday I went and saw "Hot Fuzz" which stars Simon Pegg and Nick Frost. These are the same guys who did "Shaun Of The Dead". I knew the only theater in Salt Lake that was playing it was in the downtown area. So I made it a point to head out that way while doing some errands and applying for jobs.

I've been excited for this movie since seeing previews for it the past few weeks. I knew it couldn't be a bad movie because "Shaun Of The Dead" was such a great film in so many ways.

I will say that "Hot Fuzz" is worth seeing in the theater. Except, don't go into thinking that it could be better than "Shaun Of The Dead" because you may not enjoy it as much.

It doesn't come as close in wit and humor as "Shaun Of The Dead" but it is entertaining and funny. They also make fun of "Shaun Of The Dead" in one scene that was pretty clever. Actually, the whole movie is clever but it's one I have to see again to catch all the joking references they make throughout the film.

I have to admit that as I sat there laughing, it enhanced the fact I was by myself. Now, I do like to see a movie alone from time to time. But not this time. There were two other people in the theater with me and they were alone also.

Three people in one big theater laughing alone but together. That made me kind of sad. Not just for me but for the other two people. I couldn't help but wonder why THEY were alone in this theater with me enjoying a film that really needs more attendance than three people.

I don't like being alone but it's just what I need to do until I get better. And what I mean by better is emotionally, mentally and financially better. I'm in a bad place right now. Of course, when am I NOT in a bad place? It's the same ol' goddamn song and dance when it comes to me and who I am.

I'm quickly falling apart and I need professional help. Even people close to me have reached a point where this has become a point of discussion. It seems that every time I fix one problem with me, another one happens. And when I fix that problem, the other problem I fixed happens again. And so on and so forth and yak, yak, yak.

And nothing can make all of these emotions come to light more than being alone in a dark theater laughing by myself.

What happened to bring me to this sad state? What I fear is going to a licensed professional and having them diagnose me as sick mentally. Mentally unstable. Emotionally unstable. A danger to himself and others. One who suffers from a sizable amount of mental illness.

How awful. Could this be what I'm facing? Is it showing more and more to others but not to me because I'm in some kind of denial? Do I need to spend some time in a "wellness center" for help? Or is it some simple medication that I need? Or maybe I just need someone to talk to outside of myself and my own thoughts and subconscious?

I'm scared and I don't know why. I'm 34 and living in a complete black hole right now.

One reoccurring thought I have is that I'm suffering from some kind of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder because of the death of my friend Nick.

My friend JJ thinks I need help and pointed out that I'm not doing what I love. What I love and what I've done all my life is radio. Oddly enough, I haven't been back in radio nor really ever tried or wanted to try to get back into it since Nick's death.

Actually, since I was fired with such disgrace from 96.1 KLPX in Tucson, Arizona (and then, just a week later, Nick died), I have never cared to get back into radio. Since then, my life has been going in all sorts of different directions both personally and professionally.

Could these two situations be the root cause of my recent problems? Is there something there I need to open up to further? What the hell is wrong with me? Why do I keep jeopardizing myself, the people I'm involved with and the positions of employment I hold?

Honestly, you know what I would like? My job at the railroad back. I was really happy there. If I'm not going to get back into radio, I'd like to go back to that. I know I've mentioned that before but there is no way that'll ever happen. Whatever mental sickness I'm suffering from destroyed that possibility for me.

Wait, I'm not going to be one of those people who puts blame of some sickness. My undoing is my own. It's MY fault and nobody else's. Of course, maybe that's another thing to consider. Perhaps the burden of guilt and shame I'm carrying around for a host of things has driven me completely mad.

It's time for me to investigate getting some help. Thank God for the internet. I'm sure I can find someone to talk to and assist me to combating whatever it is that is causing such distress.

You know what else the internet is helping me do? It's assisting me in find two other major needs in my life. Money and love. On the internet, I can bounce from the Department of Workforce Services website to find work all while utilizing Singlesnet.com to find the woman that is right for me and my mental conditions.

The glory of cyber space. Monster.com to OkCupid.com to CareerBuilder.com to Singlesnet.com to MySpace.com.

Maybe that's really all the therapy I need right there.

No, no it's not.

Anyway, check out "Hot Fuzz". But take someone with you that you can enjoy it with. If you don't have anyone, give me a buzz. I'll go with you and have a laugh and create some memories.

-Mike The Janitor
©2007
Millenoma Publishing

Sex And The City re-runs

I'm not sure when exactly I started watching "Sex And The City" reruns. But every time I watch an episode, I think of my friend Malayna Kerton in Reno, Nevada.

One time I was at Malayna's house where she was having a little get together. As the party was winding down, she invited me and my friend Nick Danger to hang out and watch a couple of episodes.

I remember thinking at the time "OH NO! Chic programming. ACK!"

I seem to recall that she was really excited that some of the seasons had come out on DVD and she was really happy to have them in her collection. It's like me and my addiction to "South Park".

But I also remember laughing at the couple of episodes we all watched together. That's what I think about every time I watch "Sex And The City" today. I like thinking about that time.

The show is entertaining. But it is also frustrating. It's one of those few shows where I can laugh and yell at my TV in the same breath. And I cannot stand Sarah Jessica Parker. I don't know if it's HER or her LEAD CHARACTER on the show I can't stand.

I was surprised that she smokes A LOT on the show. Yuck. How very unbecoming. And she is such a goddamn TWIT! What woman acts like this? Wait... hold on. I laugh at my own question because I've dated women like her "Carrie" character.

That's right, I know all the names of the people on the show. Call me a fag but I don't care. Carrie, Samantha, Miranda and Charlotte.

What's frustrating is how slutty some of these women are. Carrie especially. Now, Samantha is a big ol' whore and proud of it. I don't mind her character because she makes no reservations about enjoying sex and being slutty every now and then.

Carrie, on the other hand, is just like Samantha but every time she opens her legs to a man, she has to analyze every aspect of of what this guy means to her and blah, blah, blah.

That's what makes this show great. This is exactly how men and women interact with one another. Sometimes I think it goes way off base. But most of the time, it's pretty dead on. I guess that's why I yell at the television.

For instance, Carrie's relationship with this guy, Mr. Big. What the hell is this guy's real name? Does anyone know? The problem with the reruns played here on channel 24 is the fact that they're played out of sequence. And they play two episodes back to back.

This sucks because I could be watching an episode from the fourth season followed up by an episode from the first season. You can tell you're watching the first season when Carrie talks to the camera.

I've also noticed that in just about every episode, Sarah Jessica Parker's nipples are always hard. This was hot the first couple of shows I watched but now it's an annoying distraction. Put some Band-Aids on those fucking things!

Since I'm carrying on about nothing here, let me tell you my favorite character on the show. You ready?

You might automatically assuming it would be Miranda because she has red hair. Since we all know of my love for redheads, that would be a good assumption. However, you'd be incorrect.

My favorite character is Charlotte.

Charlotte, and the actress who plays her Kristin Davis, are incredibly sexy to me. I'm in love with Kristin Davis. Seriously. She is so very lovely and her character on the show seems to be the only sensible one in this band of female misfits.

I can't stand Miranda. And I find the actress that plays her, Cynthia Nixon, to not be very attractive.

what the hell am I doing? Not only am I admitting to watching Sex And The City, I'm taking time to dissect and review it. Why the hell are my balls?

I'd talk about my love for the "Gilmore Girls", too, but who really cares. Besides, the show is gone forever now as the last episode was the past Tuesday. I got a little choked up knowing I won't have mindless fun with Rory, Lorelai, Lane, Luke, Logan, Richard, Emily, Paris, Sookie, Taylor, Kirk, Miss Patty, April, Michel, Chris and the entire town of Stars Hollow on Tuesday nights.

*sigh*

I have to get cable so I can start watching more manly shows. I think some of these programs are turning me into a pussy. Who else can rattle off characters from the Gilmore Girls? Anyone? Anyone?

I think I'm the only person who... hold up... only MAN who admits to watching this show. So sue me. No, it wasn't the greatest thing on television that you could watch. But it is much better than some of the other mindless shit that is on the tube out there.

I also watched the final few episodes of "7th Heaven". That was ultra gay.

Well, I'm going to go find my balls and have them reattached.

I hope that gets done before "Sex And The City" comes on at 6.

-Mike The Janitor
©2007
Millenoma Publishing

Mike's Top 20

Since I spent last week talking so much about the song "Fluicide" by Moke, I was going to jokingly list my entire Top 20 as that one song. However, I was listening to other things, too. So, here you go with yet another list of music flowing through my mind.

Mike's Top 20 Songs:

20: Moke "Comb Your Mind"
19: Yes "Starship Trooper"
18: Manfred Mann "Blinded By The Light"
17: Marc Cohn "Silver Thunderbird"
16: The Specials "Ghost Town"
15: The Dead Milkmen "Instant Club Hit"
14: Musto & Bones "Dangerous On The Dancefloor"
13: Stereo MC's "Connected"
12: Paul Anka "Everybody Hurts"
11: Paul Westerberg "World Class Fad"
10: The Rolling Stones "Get Off Of My Cloud"
09: Matthew Sweet "Sick Of MySelf"
08: Annie Lennox "The Hurting Time"
07: Luscious Jackson "Mood Swing"
06: Tool "Right In Two"
05: Pink Floyd "The Great Gig In The Sky"
04: Wang Chung "Don't Be My Enemy"
03: Underworld "Cowgirl"
02: Massive Attack "Teardrop"
01: Moke "Fluicide"

-Mike The Janitor
©2007
Millenoma Publishing

"Fluicide" by Moke

After sharing yet another dream with all of you, I wanted to deconstruct the song that was playing like a soundtrack in the dream. As I mentioned in the blog "You'll always be alone because that's all you know", a song by the band "Moke" called "Fluicide" was playing.

When I woke up this morning and thought about the dream, I couldn't help but sing this song to myself. It's one of my more favorite tracks by Moke. It starts out soft and dreamy at first. Then, towards the end, it kicks in with some great rock that really enhances the song even more.

I found it interesting that of all the songs running through my mind on a regular basis, THIS song is the one that played out with the dream. Right now as I write this, I have "Fluicide" by Moke playing on repeat here in my iTunes. I've listened to it about 10 times already.

I don't get tired of hearing it and as I listen closer to the lyrics, I can see why this song was playing in the dream. It's perfectly fitting. However, there were certain parts of the song I wasn't quite understanding so I searched for the lyrics online. Let me share them with you:

Fluicide - by Moke

These are the days of the ways
that will hound me and surround me once again

I am afraid
I am sociable, insatiable, I'm servile in a way
You are my friend
You believe in me and follow me
And love me 'til the end

I know, I know, it's hard to see
I'm loathe to show this side of me

These are the days of the ways
That will hound me and surround me once again

I played a game, made my move, I couldn't lose
But all the pieces were the same
You offered me something suitably surreal
You had the feel, I had 'the name'

I know, I know, I'm getting old
I'm worried that you'll over-throw

My system is at risk of being
Over-egoed, over-rated
Sentiments and complimentary
Mentions are so complicated

These are the days
Of the ways
That will hound me and surround me
Once again.

Chorus (4x)

Fluicidal hyperventor
East of easy E's a mental blockade
I am paid in full, paid in silver
Please don't tamper with my temper
Simply tell me if I'm meant to
Ease the journey
Maybe I could take you with me

The thing I don't truly understand is the title. "Fluicide" is not a word in any dictionary. However, "fluid" is a word that we all know. Interestingly enough, it's the definition of "fluid" that caught my attention, which is:

flu·id [floo-id] –noun

1. a substance, as a liquid or gas, that is capable of flowing and that changes its shape at a steady rate when acted upon by a force tending to change its shape.
2. pertaining to a substance that easily changes its shape; capable of flowing.
3. changing readily; shifting; not fixed, stable, or rigid: fluid movements

My interpretation of the song is that the artist is saying that his own feelings and emotions are so ever changing, that it's hard to maintain an easy way of life. In a sense, he IS fluid and that his mind is so overloaded that it's like suicide by a fluid behavior. Hence, "fluicide".

I could be way off the mark on that. Who knows for sure but the artist on what they were trying to convey. But that's the great thing about music. The lyrical content in music is looked at in so many different ways by everyone.

Sometimes, a song is universally understood. Other times, some just don't get. And other times it really sinks in and has strong meaning for most. And sometimes those meanings could be something completely different for someone else.

For instance, the song "Take A Picture" by Filter. When my ex-girlfriend, Christina, was in town visiting, she had this song on her MP3 player. It's a wonderful song that meant something to her other than what I told her the song was about.

The rumor is that the lead singer was getting a blowjob on a flight when a photographer snapped a picture of him getting pleasured. If I'm not mistaken, it wound up on the internet or some magazine article or something. The lead singer wrote the song about that incident.

The thing is, if you don't know that story, your view on the song is completely different. Outside of the rumored story, I like to think of it as a song about lovers or close friends taking pictures of one another to capture the moments of their relationship.

As for Moke, if you're not familiar with their music, please check out their two domestic releases here in the states. They have a self titled, debut release for sale which I'm sure you can find new or used in your favorite record store. And their second album, "Carnival", is my favorite and really hits some notes with me regarding my personal and professional life. I'm sure you can locate that, too. If not, I've given some links below to buy them on Amazon.com.

Moke is also one of those bands I have fond memories of seeing live. They really put on a show and were always extremely friendly. I actually found them on MySpace earlier today and saw that they've posted some new material that maybe you all could enjoy.

Check out their MySpace profile at Moke on MySpace.

I contacted all four members (John, John, Alex and Sean) about their concerts in Reno, Nevada where I saw them during my time with Pure Rock 104.5. I'm looking forward to hopefully hearing back from one or all of them to see what they've been up over the last few years. The last time I saw them was in 2001.

Wow. Six years ago. Was it that long ago? Shit.

Anyway, that's another great thing about music. It not only makes you think of the present (and sometimes the future) but it's a wonderful tool for reflection of past memories.

Of course, that can go the other way where some songs just hurt to listen to because they remind you of places, people and times that just didn't work out. If I had to pick a handful of songs to capture the soundtrack of my life so far, I have no idea where the hell I would start. That's a truly tough call.

Right no I'll just enjoy listening to "Fluicide" by Moke for the 40th time on repeat and get lost in my thoughts and time in Reno, Nevada.

I miss my friends there. I really, really do.

-Mike The Janitor
®2007
Millenoma Publishing

"You'll always be alone because that's all you know."

Man, even in my dreams I'm hard on myself.

This is a quote from another weird dream I had that happened last night. I'm such a big fan of sleeping but not so much of the dreams that sometimes come with one getting a good nights sleep.

The dream was slightly odd. It had a beaver, a diver and Abe Lincoln... hahahahahahahahahaha. I hope someone out there reading this got that joke.

In the dream I was back at my apartment. I had invited my ex-girlfriend the Starbucks barista, over to the apartment to pick up any belongings that we shared between us since we were no longer seeing each other.

Since dreams are just that, she arrived almost instantly. She also brought along a couple of friends and her parents. All of whom started to clean out my apartment of everything I owned.

At some point, the Starbucks barista approaches me to inform me that they're almost done collecting up the stuff. It's about this time I realize that I'm actually watching myself from outside myself in my dream.

I could see how visibly upset she was. But she was determined to not show it. She just kept smiling like nothing was phasing her. I went about making an apology that was truly heartfelt but she was not having it.

She said:

"You could give a shit less. You're a LIAR. Do you understand me? What we had was great and you pissed it away. You gave up. You'll always be alone because that's all you know, Mike".

On that last line she really almost bust into tears. Instead, I started to well up because what she said completely hurt and shocked me. And then I feared it might be true. As I let a tear fall free from my face, she gave another smile and turned and walked away.

Then I got angry and started to kicked everyone out of the apartment. But they had already taken everything. And she was already in her car driving away. I spent the last part of the dream pushing her father out the front door who was trying to grab what he could as I forced him out.

When I got him out the door, I remember he was clutching some coat hangers. He was trying to get back in the apartment to get something and I was trying to lock him out. The problem was, they had taken the doorknob. I noticed most of the rooms in my apartment had been robbed of doorknobs. Six, actually.

Only in MY dreams would I conjure up something like people stealing doorknobs. As I was walking around my apartment counting lost doorknobs, I heard someone talking to me. I turned around and saw myself.

Now, again, I'm watching all this. I'm not a player in my own dream more than just a viewer of it. It's like I'm watching a play. Even more weird is the fact there is a soundtrack playing. It's like an episode of "One Tree Hill" in my mind!

The song I hear playing while the next conversation takes place is "Fluicide" by Moke. If you're not familiar with it, download it and re-read this entire blog while playing it.

When I saw myself, I guess I didn't know who I was because I asked "Who are you"?

"Well, I guess you could call me your subconscious"

"So I'm talking to myself in my dream"?

"Yeah, I guess you could say that".

"Well, what do you want"?

"I want you to breathe. I want you to relax. I want you to realize that she doesn't really feel that way. She loved you and cared about you and still does. You need to stop projecting your own frustrations about yourself onto others, man."

"But why the hell did they take the doorknobs"?

"Maybe it's a metaphor that you don't truly want to keep her or anyone you know locked out anymore. You don't really want to be alone. Have you thought about that"?

"Well no shit, Mike! Of course I don't want to be alone. But I'm tired of being lonely and being all fucked up like this"!

"There are only 24 hours in a day, Mike. Use some of them to the best of your advantage".

And then I woke up. Of course I woke up! WHAT A PERFECT TIME TO WAKE UP! What the HELL is going on upstairs?! Missing doorknobs and therapy talk from my subconscious?! MY GOD!

You might be wondering why I'm able to type all this when I should be at work? Well, since I'm on call, I get Wednesday off because I'm going to be working through the weekend. And since I'll be working all weekend, I get next Wednesday off, too.

And I'm the lucky guy that gets to work through the Mother's Day weekend. Lots of activity with families and such in our city parks. I'm going to be busy. Plus, in our main park, our Assistant City Manager is having a Mother's Day party on Sunday with his family which means I have to give extra special attention to any needs they might have.

Anyway, my mind is on overload at the moment. I think I'm going to go listen to some Moke.

-Mike The Janitor
©2007
Millenoma Publishing

My part-time job is MySpace

For a while now, I've been looking for a second job to bring in more income. Lord knows I could use more money to get out of this lovely financial rut I've put myself into. Not too mention helping out my mom in a serious way. I really need to assert myself more in finding a suitable second job.

The problem with trying to get part time work is the fact my full time job comes into play. Next week will be my first time at carrying the on call duties of my position with South Jordan.

This requirement of my job (which is every once in while since it's shared with other people I work with) takes up an entire week of my schedule outside of my regular duties. It basically consists of locking up bathrooms and such at our park facilities during the week and keeping a close eye on the parks, its visitors, the bathrooms, the garbages, etc. on the weekends.

On call duties also require you to do just that... be on call. So if something happens in a park (broken or running sprinklers, damaged property, bathroom issues), you're the person that gets called out... no matter what the time.

I can deal with that and I'm looking forward to my first on call shift. I also get to drive a company vehicle home as part of the responsibilities. I feel cool driving a company vehicle home. It makes me feel important.

The thing is that I need extra money. South Jordan does not pay overtime. They do, however, provide "comp time". Comp time is much like overtime but it is not paid out in the form of earned cash. For every hour of comp time worked, you get credited at time and a half just like overtime.

Comp time can be good when you want to take some days off and get paid to do it. It's a lot like using vacation time or sick leave. So that is a perk.

Personally, I would like the money. Instead, during my on call duties next week, I'll be earning comp time.

The only alternative I have at this point to bring in some much needed extra green is a second job. If I find a good second job that works well with my present schedule, I'll take it and notify my boss at South Jordan that times are tight and I won't be able to do on call work.

Besides, any job I take I have to notify South Jordan of to make sure they're okay with it and that it isn't a conflict of interest.

I then started to realize that I spend so much time on the internet, more importantly MySpace, that I wished I could earn money doing THIS. It's something I truly enjoy and look forward to.

I wish I could find a website that would pay me for my mindless ramblings. Maybe I should look into writing for a paper here and see if that is possible? Don't get me wrong, I never feel like I'm wasting time writing my blogs. But it would sure be nice to get a little cash on the side for my work. The only reward I have from this presently is YOU, the reader.

Of course, I may be thinking too much of my work here. Professionals in the industry and business of writing might think my abilities aren't abilities at all but, rather, piles of shit. Hell, sometimes I even think that about some of the things I've written about.

However, I've always been way too critical of myself and my talent and my creative ability. Fucking baby.

Maybe I just need to invest a little time and some saved up money to my own site and I could have some advertisers? That could be a possibility. I have really been thinking about printing out all of my blogs from 2006 - 2007 (242 at present count) and sending them off to publishing houses and see if anyone is intrigued by the idea of making a book out of my blogs.

This idea was first introduced into my head by my police officer friend Royce in Erie, Pennsylvania. And then mentioned again by my close friend Shawn in Elko, Nevada. There have been a couple of others from my friend list here on MySpace (and a few not on my friend list) that have mentioned the same general idea.

Since I have this unpaid, part time job (yes, I know... it's a hobby) of skipping around the internet, I think I'll dedicate some time into how to make a little money of this whole damn mess that is known as my life in the form of blogs.

I'll get on that project right after I find the time to break away from blogging or checking out singles sites like OkCupid.com and SinglesNet.com.

I think I need a new hobby. One that requires me to get out of the house and out from in front of my laptop.

Nahhhhhh... I kind of like sitting here for hours on end until my ass falls asleep.

I'm a lone astronaut here in cyber space. I'm looking to dock my cyber shuttle with like minded astronauts with similar interests, views and ideas.

Man, that was a total cheeseball metaphor right there.

*gags*

-Mike The Janitor
©2007
Millenoma Publishing

OKCupid.com vs. True.com vs. Match.com

I had to go through my blog archives to find a blog I already wrote about True.com and Match.com. I'm going to re-post that blog in this blog because we've all been having to put up with their advertising here on MySpace.

Another reason I'm re-posting it is because I find that my ideas I had in that blog seem to have come into play with these two online personal sites. As a matter a fact, some of the silly ideas I had about making my own personals website have come up in a NEW personals website being advertised here on MySpace.com known as OkCupid.com.

I happily joined OkCupid.com. I did it for three reasons. Number one was because it is a totally FREE online personals site unlike Yahoo Personals, True.com, Match.com, eHarmony.com, AdultFriendFinder.com and a host of others.

Number two was the fact the site is rather entertaining and holds my interest for long periods of time with silly surveys and questions you can answer. They have all kinds of tests you can take (some serious, many not) that will make you laugh.

Many of the tests and the questions within are created by actual users. They have a cool matching system based on how you answer questions posed to you. All in all, it's a pretty damn cool and fun site that I'd recommend to anyone, single or not.

And the third reason I joined OkCupid.com was to find ladies of similar interests. I'm not shy to admit it. And let's be honest here, I spend more time on the internet than I do outdoors being sociable. Therefore, it only makes sense that I just might find my true love on a online personals site, right? Right.

Anyway, what I find really interesting about True.com and Match.com is their ad campaigns. It started simply enough with the two going after the singles market but in different ways.

Match.com was more for the conservative approach. They utilized attractive women sitting in front of their webcams to bait guys into visiting their site. For me, the thing about their advertising campaign that made it more appealing was the women used in their ads seemed more my style.

Whereas the women featured in the True.com ads came off like basic club sluts. Even now they still use this same approach to gain memberships. It must be working because now they've moved from the pictures of club sluts to supposed "live" webcams of club sluts.

The club slut picture campaign for True.com always showed some scantily dressed female looking sultry at the camera with some caption that read "Is she naughty or nice". Most of the time, I would just roll my eyes at these ad pictures and think "AS IF"!

Now True.com has gone after the Match.com approach by utilizing these ridiculous webcam girls in their new online advertising campaign.

Match.com had a great idea. I liked the attractive women looking as if they were sitting at home and chilling online in front of their webcam. They were classy and relatable.

True.com has girls sitting around in their underwear or practically stripping in front of the camera. The thing is, True.com doesn't give the sense of an actual webcam. It's more of a sense of watching some cyber slut in a cyber peep show booth.

In all of the True.com ads, the girls (again, dressed in a manner that most real women aren't dressed like when sitting in front of their computer, I'm sure) are supposed to be typing some kind of instant message to you, the online viewer of the ad.

The girl then smiles constantly to the camera while the fake instant message conversation baits you to try and talk to her as if this girl is really on her webcam for you. It's sooooooo cheesy. I wonder how many dumb ass guys have fallen for this?

In most all of the fake webcam footage, the girls are sporting some serious cleavage. There is one of a white girl who pulls off her shirt to reveal a snug undershirt and she dances around in front of the webcam to music we can't hear!

In an other webcam shot, we see one of these club sluts lounging in front of her fake webcam having her fake instant message conversation with us while sucking on a sucker in a tight gray top and matching gray panties.

In yet another ad featuring one of these club sluts, we see a club slut laying down in a tight, one piece black dress that enhances her large breasts.

In another fake webcam/instant message conversation ad, there is a girl in her kitchen who looks to be dressed normally. Then she stands up and is wearing short shorts to show off her ass as she walks to her microwave. When she returns to the computer, she removes her little jacket to reveal boobies in a little bikini top. What is this shit? Did the hot drink she just removed from the microwave make her hot as well? Good God!

One of the lines that always stands out for me from these fake instant message conversations that are part of the ad is "Are you there"? and "Come on... you can tell me anything".

Here, I'll tell you something creators of True.com... FUCK OFF. I'm so sick and tired of these goddamn ads! I don't buy and I won't buy it. And the fact that you think your ads are appealing to an intelligent guy such as myself makes me want to barf all over my monitor.

Now, I'm a total pervert and some of these ladies are total boner material. But that's my non-intellectual side coming out. I guess True.com is hoping for men's cocks all over the world to be making the decisions and clicking on these True.com ads to find their dream girl.

But True.com has now gone and tainted Match.com with piss poor advertising. I guess the club slut appeal ad campaign is more beneficial because now Match.com is doing what True.com is trying to pull off.

Instead of sticking with what looks like real women in front of real webcams, Match.com has taken the obscene route by featuring women (some of which also look like your basic club slut) wearing tight clothes.

The ad campaign is also really lame. In the ad, we're looking at some woman bending over in little shorts. She stands up to look directly into the camera. The camera represents our point of view. Or, rather, a males point of view.

At this point, the female will say "It's not polite to stare" and proceeds to make conversation throughout the ad. They have several of these ads. There is one of the girl bending over at the gym. There is one of a girl bending over at a jogging path. There is one of a girl sitting in a booth at a cafe and the point of view is up her skirt until she gets out attention to look at her face. Another is of a woman walking down a city street and our point of view is looking at her ass until she gets our attention to her face.

All of them are dumb. And all of them are going the True.com club slut route. I don't mean to be disrespectful to the models being used in these ad campaigns but I'm already sick of seeing them. I'd like to ask Congress to have True.com and Match.com removed from the internet. And to have the lame asses at True.com executed.

OK, maybe that's a bit harsh.

The thing that is odd about OkCupid.com is it's the kind of website I wanted to make for online personals. It's funny, witty and again, FREE! It has many one-liners throughout the site that will make you laugh. Plus, it's down to Earth and doesn't take itself too seriously. I appreciate that a great deal.

I'd like to give big kudos to the creators and staff of OkCupid.com for their work and sense of humor. I'd also like to thank them for their efforts to put the likes of Match.com and True.com to shame with their useless and ineffective ad campaigns.

Here now is the original blog I wrote back on February 17th of 2007 about the battle between Match.com and True.com when these ad campaigns weren't as prominent as they are now. Enjoy!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Saturday, February 17, 2007


The battle between True.com and Match.com

You know, months ago I went off on True.com and their sultry ads. To be honest, I'm STILL sick of them. Yeah, sure, the ladies featured in them are prized boner material but GIVE ME A BREAK!

"Is she naughty or nice"? the ads always ask. Well, considering she is wearing tight, form fitting clothes and her boobies are popping out of her top AND she has a look of "fuck me" written all over her late night Cinemax body... I'd say she's naughty... VERY naughty... rawr!

Then we have a clever set up from Match.com where their advertisements make it look like a female is live on her webcam. Now, in the back of my mind I'm thinking what most guys are probably thinking: WHEN ARE THE CLOTHES COMING OFF?!

But they never do. And I really wouldn't expect that from Match.com. I would from True.com, however. They seem more of a guide to cyber escorts than anything else.

Let's face it, SEX SELLS. But this concept that True.com is going for doesn't work on me. These stupid ads don't make me want to go there and try out their site and its features. No thanks.

True.com missed the boat when it came to toning it down. Match.com has picked up where True.com failed, in my opinion. The women featured in the phony live webcam ads are more my style. And I think the campaign is a clever marketing tool.

True.com = SLUTS and Match.com = CLASS. Now, I need to find a happy medium. A site that can help me find a classy slut. Maybe I need to start another account at Adult Friend Finder? No, that is straight up freaky sluts. Which is cool.

I've used a few personal services in my time. They're all bullshit, really. Everyone lies, including myself, to make themselves out to be a more promising catch.

You never really meet the kind of women that are featured in the ads you see for places like True.com, Match.com or Yahoo Personals. These are professional models hired to be photographed to entice you and your erection into thinking that women like that exist on their service.

LIES!

Actually, I take that back. The one service I've used a couple of times with somewhat good return was Yahoo Personals.

Of the women I've met from Yahoo Personals, there is one I still talk to on a regular basis. Actually, this female is kind of outside the norm of women I had encountered prior on Yahoo Personals.

I hope this female doesn't mind me sharing this. I won't say her name but she is quite stunning and I've had a crush on her since we first met. She just floored me. And she was a redhead! And we all know my love (fetish) for redheads! But I also realized in coming to know her that I wasn't the kind of guy for her.

This woman is classy and talented and sexy in many ways. She is an accomplished actress who just recently moved to Los Angeles to pursue he career even further. I just received an email from her telling me how it's been for her since she arrived a couple of weeks ago.

I'm really, truly proud of her. She inspires me to pull my own head out of my ass and get back into radio.

She and I are good friends and I have Yahoo Personals to thank for that. I guess it's wrong for me to say that really attractive women don't use online personal dating services because they do. I can attest to that.

However, there have been a few other attractive women I've encountered from such services that didn't turn out for the better. Most of them have completely relied on their attractiveness to get them through life and have the sense of a cinder block.

Or they know they're so hot that when you try to see beyond that, they get irritated that you aren't constantly showering them with compliments and gifts.

*barfs*

Christ, I hate women like that.

Now, me, I'm just your average Joe. I'm not incredibly good looking but I'm not a dog, either. However, my bipolar whack job attitude can really put a damper on my stunning good looks and award winning sense of humor and personality.

And that's where I fall short with women like my actress friend. I'm not enough man for someone of her stature. That's not me putting myself down. It's just a realistic fact.

Pretty people normally hook up with pretty people so they can create pretty babies.

I think being pretty is a lot more rough than it looks to average Joe's and Jane's like you and I. I'm sure the consensus must be that when you see a really attractive person, they're more than likely dating someone of equal hotness.

In most cases, I bet that isn't true. As a matter a fact, I think that civilized, fun, smart, witty attractive people are just as frustrated and lonely as a regular looking person because they're encountering those model type dipsticks that are so prominently featured in ads for True.com. Therefore, True.com is defying the purpose.

It should be called UnTrue.com.

I think I'm going to start an online personals service and call it "Realisticpersonals.com".

It'll ask your standard questions for match making like age, weight, height, income, occupation, likes and dislikes, personality traits, etc.

Then my site will re-ask those same questions again to verify that you lied the first time.

Plus, my site will ask odd questions like "How often do you clean your toilet"?, "When's the last time you emptied the crumb tray to your toaster? Did you even KNOW it had a tray"?, "ER or House"?, "CSI or Law & Order"?, "Starbucks or Folgers"?, "Ramen or Mac & Cheese"?, "How quickly do you change a burned out lightbulb"?, "Do you get along with your parents"? and a variety of other questions that really get to the heart and mind of a person.

I think I'll make another site called "realisticpenis.com". This site will be dedicated to men who aren't ashamed of being an average Joe nor are they ashamed of their average size.

And, of course, it'll come complete with pictures for every profile posted so each guy can proudly display a flaccid and erect member for ladies who just don't care about size.

Ok, maybe not.

My real point here is that True.com features women I wouldn't want to know anyway.

I might try Match.com, though. And probably hit up Yahoo Personals again. But not before I fix some of the things I'd wind up lying about in their questionnaires.

One of the first things they ask should be: "Have you been or are you presently completely fucked up emotionally and/or mentally?"

The multiple choice answers should be: "Yes", "No", "Maybe" and "Who isn't?!"

To continue living in my own denial, I'd check "Who isn't?!"

You know what, I think it's best I stay single for a while. I'm cool with that. Besides, masturbation is so much for alone! Or with a Twinkie®.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA... that was gross.

Betcha won't look at a Twinkie® the same again, will ya?!

-Mike The Janitor
©2007
Millenoma Publishing

Mike's Top 20

Presently, as I write my weekly Top 20 list here, I'm listening to Arcade Fire's album "Neon Bible". I must say I really enjoy it a great deal.

Outside of that, here are my other picks from last week that I was rocking out to.

Mike's Top 20 Songs:

20: Arcade Fire "Keep The Car Running"
19: The Allman Brothers Band "Midnight Rider"
18: Vasen "30 Year Jig"
17: Bobby Darin "Mack The Knife"
16: SoHo "Hippychick"
15: Dishwalla "Counting Blue Cars"
14: Lipps Inc. "Funkytown"
13: Noise Therapy "Get Up"
12: Norah Jones "Don't Miss You At All"
11: Seal "Whirlpool"
10: Norman Greenbaum "Spirit In The Sky"
09: Cherry Poppin' Daddies "Drunk Daddy"
08: Louis Prima "Angelina - Zooma Zooma (Medley)"
07: Pearl Jam "JFK"
06: Otis Redding "Let Me Come On Home"
05: Rose Stone with the Venice Four and the Abbot Kinney Lighthouse Choir "Let Your Light Shine On Me"
04: Michael Jackson "Wanna Be Startin' Somethin'"
03: Jamiroquai "You Are My Love"
02: Scooter "Back In The U.K."
01: Apollo 440 "Cold Rock The Mic"

-Mike The Janitor
®2007
Millenoma Publishing

Weird dreams, weird day

I had a hard time sleeping last night. I went to bed early, just after 9 PM, because I was so exhausted. Work will do that to you.

Around 1 AM, I kept waking up because I was having weird dreams. Three, to be exact. And all of them I remember in every detail.

Have you ever been dreaming and you wake up briefly only to try and get back to sleep to find out what happens in your dream? Every single one of these dreams I had last night (well, I guess it would be this morning) were dreams of this nature.

The first one was creepy, morbid and somewhat funny. I had a dream that I went into my bathroom and found the body of my deceased friend, Nick, in the bathtub.

I wasn't scared or shocked or anything. I just remember studying his face and noticing a scar over his left temple area that was still healing from stitches.

As I stood over his body studying the scar on his forehead, I noticed his body was slightly green. I assumed this had something to do with the formaldehyde that was used to preserve his body. The discoloration reminded me of the Incredible Hulk.

I laughed out loud in my dream and said to Nick's body "You look like the Incredible Hulk, Nick"!

I woke up and went to the bathroom. No body. No Nick. But I did have to pee. Maybe that was the whole point of the dream. To wake me up so I could take a whizz without wetting my bed. Thanks for looking out for my bladder from beyond the grave, Nick.

The second dream wasn't as odd. I dreamt that I was walking along a familiar roadway. I came upon a structure with an older Toyota Pathfinder parked alongside it. On top of the Toyota Pathfinder was an orange revolving light.

I recognized the light as one I used to own. I then realized that I was on the property of the railyard I used to work in. I walked up to the Toyota Pathfinder to see if I could take my revolving light back.

I then wondered why the guy I sold it to (my former boss, Brooke) had removed it from a golf cart to the top of this Toyota Pathfinder. As I went to grab the light off of the Pathfinder, I noticed Brooke in a window overlooking the Pathfinder. He was on the phone. I waved to him.

I turned around and walked away from the property. Suddenly, I found myself in a South Jordan City work vehicle driving to the opposite side of the building I was just at.

I stopped the vehicle and started to take down a vinyl fence. A guy I work with, Dave, was there to help me. He pointed out to me that we weren't in South Jordan and this fence we were taking down belonged to West Valley.

I told Dave I didn't care and that West Valley would understand. I also explained to Dave that I had stopped to do this to give Brooke an opportunity to see me working hard with a new job.

I had also stopped to talk to Brooke and apologize for being such an over-the-top dick for the way I left things. Dave tells me that Brooke we'll probably just kill me. I told Dave that if that should happen, make sure to get the truck back to South Jordan.

At some point of myself and Dave taking down this vinyl fence, Brooke and some other guys I worked with at the railyard came out. They all started to lay down on the lawn around the fence we were taking down.

I took that opportunity to apologize to Brooke and a few others. Brooke just smiled and said "I know you're sorry".

And then I woke up again.

I was just as much perplexed by that dream as by the one about Nick's body in my bathtub. I remember being half asleep this morning on that second wake up and slapping myself in the head to punish it for creating such odd goddamn dreams.

Damn head.

The third dream was more suitable. In this dream, I was assisting my ex-girlfriend, Amanda, celebrate her 21st birthday in Las Vegas. We were back being a couple and I had an even more deep love and lust for her as I always have.

In a side note here, one of Amanda's wishes was that we celebrate her 21st birthday in Las Vegas. To be honest, I'd still love to do that with her. I always have.

Anyway, we were spending all kinds of cash and having a great ol' time. Oddly enough, this wasn't a wet dream about her. There was no sex between her or I in this dream. It was just us going from casino to casino getting drunk and winning/losing money. I got the feeling that we were more of a couple than we had ever been and it was a nice feeling.

I woke up, AGAIN, just before my alarm was to go off to wake me up for work. I also woke up with a raging erection.

I then proceeded to pleasure myself to the thought of Amanda. I've been masturbating to the thought of her a lot lately. My apologies here to those women out there that I've been involved with in the past that are not getting their fair share of my masturbating fantasies.

I thought about these dreams all day today while I was at work. My mind was completely elsewhere today. I didn't really feel like going to work, actually. I was hoping to go home early because the weather has been so shitty the past couple of days. Alas, no go.

I did have an incident at work today. Looking back on it, I could have been really hurt. SERIOUSLY HURT. I was, however, slightly hurt.

Today, my dumb ass, was mowing the lawn in our South Jordan City Park. I was using our Dixie Chopper (some of you may remember me talking about this riding lawnmower in a previous blog) to mow the lawn around tree rings.

Tree rings are just that. Rings that go around all of our trees that are filled in with bark or compost. Normally, before we mow large areas of lawn, we go around all the trees to make easier to go back and forth to mow.

As I was going around one particular tree, I thought I had safe clearance to get under some branches. I THOUGHT the branches were light and thin and would be easy to pass under or push them out of the way so I could go around the tree.

It turns out that there were light and thin branches approaching as I went around the tree. The problem was, they were concealing a large, thick branch that I didn't see until it was too late.

Go on an adventure with me here.

Picture yourself on your basic riding lawnmower, ok? Picture yourself going slowly on the riding lawnmower around a tree. Now, picture yourself getting caught between a large, thick tree branch and the seat in which you're sitting in on the riding lawnmower.

If you can picture all this, follow me on what happened next.

As I saw that this large, thick tree branch, I reached out to try and SOMEHOW stop the tree with my hand from getting any closer to me and the mower. As I realized very quickly that I needed to try and stop the MOWER and not the tree, I reached down to bring the mower to a stop.

Unfortunately, the protruding large, think branch hit my chest. The mower kept going forward. The branch started to push harder against my chest and lift me up out of the operator's seat.

Uh-oh. Panic.

My hands slip free from the control handles of the Dixie Chopper and it continues to go forward.

Much like an unwanted game of limbo, my body is literally pushed backwards up over the operator's seat under the large, thick tree branch. The tree branch scrapped from the top of my chest down to my stomach as my body was lifted back and flat while the mower continued to go forward.

The pressure from my body weight going up and over the seat and under the tree branch I had run into, caused the operator's seat to actually bend backwards. Had the seat not bent like that, I would have been pinched or seriously crushed in between the large, thick tree branch and the top of the operator's seat on the Dixie Chopper.

After the incident happened, I was really disturbed that I hadn't seen or paid closer attention to my surroundings. Something so simple could have turned into something very embarrassing and seriously harmful.

Instead, I got lucky. I walked away from it with some bruises and scrapes on my chest and a better idea of how something that simple needs to have more care and attention.

What's funny about this incident is the fact I can't stop thinking about any damage it may have caused that I can't see or feel yet. I get this from watching too many episodes of "House". Many times on House, you'll see someone go into the hospital for which House is employed by with some kind of simple ailment.

Within moments of the episode starting, we come to find out that the patient might have some God awful issue.

For instance, on a recent episode of House, a woman went in very sick. They thought she had a particular type of cancer. They used radiation to treat what they thought she had. Turns out she had a simple Staph infection from her bra clip digging into her skin and the radiation treatment killed the bacteria that was fighting the Staph infection. SHE DIED!

WHAT?! MAN! That's just fucked up right there. But it also makes for great TV and a great TV show. You know why? Because shit like that happens in real life. Even in real life, some of the BEST doctors can make mistakes.

So, here I sit wondering if there is some deep tissue damage or bone damage to my ribs from my limbo event. I doubt it. I feel okay.

This is kind of grim, huh? It's almost like I'm HOPING something got fucked up! My God! Why couldn't have I hit my head really hard and knock some sense into me?

Pansy.

Uh-oh... Amanda just popped into my head again. I feel something brewing downstairs. I better go and take care of this.

Man, I so need a new girlfriend. Or a wife. Or a hooker.

-Mike The Janitor
©2007
Millenoma Publishing