"You'll always be alone because that's all you know."

Man, even in my dreams I'm hard on myself.

This is a quote from another weird dream I had that happened last night. I'm such a big fan of sleeping but not so much of the dreams that sometimes come with one getting a good nights sleep.

The dream was slightly odd. It had a beaver, a diver and Abe Lincoln... hahahahahahahahahaha. I hope someone out there reading this got that joke.

In the dream I was back at my apartment. I had invited my ex-girlfriend the Starbucks barista, over to the apartment to pick up any belongings that we shared between us since we were no longer seeing each other.

Since dreams are just that, she arrived almost instantly. She also brought along a couple of friends and her parents. All of whom started to clean out my apartment of everything I owned.

At some point, the Starbucks barista approaches me to inform me that they're almost done collecting up the stuff. It's about this time I realize that I'm actually watching myself from outside myself in my dream.

I could see how visibly upset she was. But she was determined to not show it. She just kept smiling like nothing was phasing her. I went about making an apology that was truly heartfelt but she was not having it.

She said:

"You could give a shit less. You're a LIAR. Do you understand me? What we had was great and you pissed it away. You gave up. You'll always be alone because that's all you know, Mike".

On that last line she really almost bust into tears. Instead, I started to well up because what she said completely hurt and shocked me. And then I feared it might be true. As I let a tear fall free from my face, she gave another smile and turned and walked away.

Then I got angry and started to kicked everyone out of the apartment. But they had already taken everything. And she was already in her car driving away. I spent the last part of the dream pushing her father out the front door who was trying to grab what he could as I forced him out.

When I got him out the door, I remember he was clutching some coat hangers. He was trying to get back in the apartment to get something and I was trying to lock him out. The problem was, they had taken the doorknob. I noticed most of the rooms in my apartment had been robbed of doorknobs. Six, actually.

Only in MY dreams would I conjure up something like people stealing doorknobs. As I was walking around my apartment counting lost doorknobs, I heard someone talking to me. I turned around and saw myself.

Now, again, I'm watching all this. I'm not a player in my own dream more than just a viewer of it. It's like I'm watching a play. Even more weird is the fact there is a soundtrack playing. It's like an episode of "One Tree Hill" in my mind!

The song I hear playing while the next conversation takes place is "Fluicide" by Moke. If you're not familiar with it, download it and re-read this entire blog while playing it.

When I saw myself, I guess I didn't know who I was because I asked "Who are you"?

"Well, I guess you could call me your subconscious"

"So I'm talking to myself in my dream"?

"Yeah, I guess you could say that".

"Well, what do you want"?

"I want you to breathe. I want you to relax. I want you to realize that she doesn't really feel that way. She loved you and cared about you and still does. You need to stop projecting your own frustrations about yourself onto others, man."

"But why the hell did they take the doorknobs"?

"Maybe it's a metaphor that you don't truly want to keep her or anyone you know locked out anymore. You don't really want to be alone. Have you thought about that"?

"Well no shit, Mike! Of course I don't want to be alone. But I'm tired of being lonely and being all fucked up like this"!

"There are only 24 hours in a day, Mike. Use some of them to the best of your advantage".

And then I woke up. Of course I woke up! WHAT A PERFECT TIME TO WAKE UP! What the HELL is going on upstairs?! Missing doorknobs and therapy talk from my subconscious?! MY GOD!

You might be wondering why I'm able to type all this when I should be at work? Well, since I'm on call, I get Wednesday off because I'm going to be working through the weekend. And since I'll be working all weekend, I get next Wednesday off, too.

And I'm the lucky guy that gets to work through the Mother's Day weekend. Lots of activity with families and such in our city parks. I'm going to be busy. Plus, in our main park, our Assistant City Manager is having a Mother's Day party on Sunday with his family which means I have to give extra special attention to any needs they might have.

Anyway, my mind is on overload at the moment. I think I'm going to go listen to some Moke.

-Mike The Janitor
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Millenoma Publishing