"You can't let my death hold you back."

That was said to me in a dream I had last night. It was a very vivid dream. Not just vivid but one of those dreams that seemed SO REAL.

You know the dreams you have that don't really have any elements of oddness to them? This dream was like that. Well, aside from the weird looking monkey dog that attacked me, there was no other element of oddity.

I was in Reno. It was late November. I'm not sure why I was there but I wound up stopping by the Atlantis Hotel & Casino to see Smith & McClain from 105.7 KOZZ. They were doing their "Stuff-A-Bus" campaign.

I started helping them with their live broadcast because, for some reason, their remote technician had disappeared. We had some laughs and they asked me what I had been up to and they talked to me on the air.

At some point, the wind picked up and the KOZZ tent flew a few hundred yards as I chased it (this actually happened to me once). Out of the blue, a friend and former coworker/colleague showed up to help me catch the tent. It was Ken Allen

Ken was the first person I worked with and for when I was hired by Lotus. He oversaw the remote department. He was really good at his job and taught me well. I've always had great respect for him and let him down at one point that caused strain on our working relationship several years ago.

I stopped chasing the tent and stopped to chit chat with Ken. Ken was saying: "We'll chit chat later, buddy! We gotta catch that tent"!

When we got the tent and I helped Ken weigh it down so it wouldn't fly away again, a strange looking dog that was somewhat half monkey and half dog ran up and bit into my right forearm HARD!

It tore flesh away but it didn't even hurt. I was too excited to be there in Reno again working along people I had come to respect and admire and gain friendships with.

The dog ran up again and bit into my right foot. Ken grabbed a large antenna and whapped the monkey dog on the head and it ran off with a comical "yipe, yipe, yipe" cry.

As I talked to Ken, people came by and dropped off canned goods and clothes and many stopped to say hello to me. Then Jim McClain told me that Dane Wilt (the general manager over Lotus Radio in Reno that owns KOZZ) wanted to see me.

When I got to the station, Dane took me into his office. He informed me that he was impressed with the fact I took the initiative to help with the remote even though I wasn't on the payroll.

He went on to explain that I not only had a great history with Lotus but a bad one, too. At this point he called in Raina Weathers (who used to be the general sales manager at Lotus) who sat down in the meeting.

Dane looked and Raina and then to me and said: "Raina and myself have been talking with some others here and we've decided that we're going to let the past be the past. We don't have any on air positions available but we could use you full time to be our remote technician. Would you be interested in coming back and starting over with us because we'd really like to have you back"?

I immediately said yes. We didn't talk salary or anything of the sort and I didn't care. I just remember Raina congratulating me and leaving the office while I tried to keep from crying.

Dane looked at me and said: "I know it's been a rough road for you. But you cannot and WILL NOT fuck up this time! Do you understand me? Just don't. You have the ability and the potential to be great and you will be. Now get to work."

As I walked out of Dane's office, I was overjoyed with the new job and wanted to see all the old faces I'd come to know at Lotus. As I walked down the hallway, an office door opened and out walked my friend Nick.

I stood frozen in the hallway. Nick said: "Congratulations, El Gordo Melon. You can do this."

"Nick, you're dead."

"Yes, I am. And you can't let my death hold you back".

He walked back in the office and closed the door. As I looked away from the closed door in an utter daze, I saw everyone I had come to know and love and work with at Lotus Radio standing in the hallway clapping.

Clearly overwhelmed, I started to cry. And then I woke up.

I decided that I'm making it a goal to get a suitable radio job before October 10th. That day will mark the second year that Nick has been gone. His birthday is coming up on June 9th. I have a secret ambition to get a gig on or before that date but it's a little unrealistic with the way the radio market is.

But I believe I can get a radio gig before October 10th. It would be even more fantastic if I could get something in Reno. That only seems fitting. And who knows... that could very well happen.

This dream was a hard truth and an inspiration that I might as well get back into the swing of doing what I've always been meant to do. I know I've made this claim before and never followed through on it.

Not this time. This dream was a clear sign of things I've been repressing and need to admit to. I've been holding myself back not only because of Nick's death but because I felt deflated, worthless, used, disrespected, stained, judged, hated, despised and washed up.

This is me projecting my own feelings of guilt and remorse of stupid shit I've done onto others. It's time for me to know that I make mistakes and will continue to do so. But I've learned from that and I need to keep harboring such anger against myself. And I need to stop being angry at those involved in my life that have been close to bad situations involving me.

Yes, I could use some therapy and I intend to do that. But I also intend to do some self help here and accept what my friend JJ and others have said. That I'm not happy because I'm denying how much radio means to me and IT IS and ALWAYS will be where I need to be.

I'm not someone who is meant to mow lawns all day or operate a forklift or work in a warehouse or who knows what else. Radio is all I have ever known since I was a senior in high school. And even before then, it's what I wanted to do.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome back Mike The Janitor.

Seriously.

-Mike The Janitor
®2007
Millenoma Publishing