Shhhhh... do you hear that? it's the coming of IKEA!

Oh yes, my cyber buddies. The fine state of Utah and the county of Salt Lake will now be a part of the trendy elite.

BEHOLD.... IKEA!

The excitement is overbearing for me. I'm being serious. I know of what treasures await within an IKEA store for decent, cheap prices. If ever I get my own place again, (or, better yet, A HOUSE), IKEA will be my dream place to shop with all it's shiny, contemporary objects.

I love the designs that are available at IKEA. Those Swedish people really know how to set the standards for modern design and decor. And very soon, I (along with the entire state of Utah) will be able to plan out my future of leisure living within their MASSIVE 310,000 square foot store in Draper!

All bow before the mighty God IKEA!

The only other store that comes close to IKEA is Target. Target is cool for those of us that like to be trendy or on the cutting edge or modern or chic or trying to look expensive and high class.

However, IKEA raises the bar by offering SO MUCH MORE!

It's the talk of the town here in the valley. It's big news. I'm not kidding. This is like whenever a Wal*Mart opens a supercenter in a town that has a population of 1200. From a news paper article I read, this IKEA store will be their 30th store opening and the largest of it's kind.

The store has a 300 seat restaurant inside of it! Fuck it! I'm just going to go live there. I can get free room and board and sell and live IKEA! I'll never have to leave!

That's what makes Utah so great. Everything is BIGGER and BETTER here. We're like a test market for everything cool. We have Sundance and the 2002 Winter Olympics to thank for that. And maybe Mitt Romney, too. And possibly Joseph Smith, Jesus Christ, God, some golden plates, a horn blowing Moroni and some other factors, I'm sure.

Salt Lake City is becoming more and more of a go to place for all things trendy and cool and fun and blah, blah, blah. We're not just about the Mormons anymore, kids. Oh no! And with the arrival of IKEA, there is NO STOPPING OUR STATES' TREND SETTING WAYS!

MUAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Now if we could just get a goddamn Jack In The Box here. Sheesh. Actually, a few people have told me that Jack In The Box was here at one time. But due to some serious issues of food poisoning, they closed down the few locations they had in the Salt Lake Valley.

Damn it. Jack In The Box is awesome for those cheap, late night food fixes when you're three sheets to the wind and craving two big tacos for 99 cents. Followed by some drunk shopping and people watching at Wal*Mart.

This is a big reason I want to go back to Reno. 24 hour drinking and Jack In The Box. I have no other real aspirations because that's all I need. Booze and Wal*Mart. They complete me.

Now, the news about IKEA opening here on May 23rd is crazy. IKEA has even ENCOURAGED people to start camping out tomorrow for the opening of the store on Wednesday. The are have IKEA tailgate parties planned.

I actually want to do this. It sounds like fun. Then I realized what kind of crazed idiot goes and camps out in a store parking lot awaiting it's opening?! I'll tell you who... ME! I'd do it. And I guarantee that there will be several other thousand people doing it, as well.

Hell, they're probably already setting up camp right now. The opening of this store is such a big deal, the Draper City Building and Planning Commission and the Draper City Police are devising ways to maintain order and cut down on traffic issues.

I'm secretly hoping for riots, the burning of cars, women and children fighting over the free door prizes of pillows and chairs and drunken fist fights between men at the tailgate parties. I want all hell to break loose and water trucks, riot gear, K-9 dogs and pepper spray to be brought out in full force.

I want no harm to come to anyone, mind you. I just want to see pure chaos. I want to see raging commotion happening in the streets and in the parking lot of the looming, blue and yellow (colors that also scream Best Buy) IKEA God! I think it's only appropriate that some human sacrifices be made in it's grand opening honor.

I'm going to go there and build a shrine and pray before Lord IKEA. I will speak in tongues and roast a goat while using it's blood for pagan rituals to please my IKEA Lord.

I think I'll buy some property around the area of Lord IKEA and build a Church of IKEA where we worship the Swedes in all their contemporary glory! We will march in the streets and burn ANYONE at the stake who owns a couch or anything else from R.C. Willey!

The time has come for IKEA to rise from this mortal coil and rule this grand opening day!

MUAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

ALL HAIL IKEA! PRAISE IT'S GLORIOUS NAME AND FANTASTIC BUYS! SHOWER ME IN SUITABLE BARGAINS AND MAKE ME A CONDUIT FOR YOUR GLORY AND TEACHINGS, LORD IKEA!

I can't wait. I just can't wait. OH BOY! Saint IKEA is coming to save us all from really bad, southwestern looking country home style furniture!

-Mike The Janitor
©2007
Millenoma Publishing