A day at the movies... alone

I love going to the movies. I always have. I especially like to go to the movies with other people. Like a good friend or a girlfriend. Going to the movies is a fun first date, too. This way I can gauge if they are someone I'd want to continue to see if their tastes in film are similar to mine.

It's also fun to go to the movies with people you know because you have someone to talk to before the film. And to answer those silly movie trivia questions with, too. You can share in the excitement, the drama, the sadness, the action, the comedy and everything else that comes from the story playing out on the screen.

Sometimes it's fun to make fun of and berate a film should it turn out to be a big pile of shit. In recent years, I've seen several bad films where I've wanted to take a bullet to the face than sit through another minute of agonizing bad script.

I remember a couple of movies I was sort of looking forward to that I took my now ex-girlfriend Amanda to see. Both of the movies turned out to be a good way to torture someone. I thought they should immediately be played in Abu Gharib to get terrorist fuckers to spill their guts!

One was "UltraViolet" and the other was "Silent Hill". I felt so bad spending money on those pools of vomit that I wanted to picket out in front of every theater playing them and pay people to NOT see them.

Another time I recall seeing a really bad movie was with my friend, Bill Tanner. Bill and I went to see "Deep Blue Sea" back when I lived in Reno, Nevada. Christ, this movie was awful.

It was soooooo bad, in fact, that Bill and I (along with other people in the theater) started to mock the movie loudly. It was so bad that we couldn't NOT watch it. We we're more entertained by how BAD the movie was then it's potential to get better.

It never got better. As a matter a fact, I remember one scene in the film where the character played by Samuel L. Jackson goes off on this big speech and a shark comes up out of this pool and eats him. It was SO lame yet so fitting! It also got a huge laugh from Bill and I and we stood up and clapped.

Anyway, it's moments like that I enjoy experiencing with others in my company when I'm at the movies. There are movies now that I watch on VHS or DVD that I recall in a way that is fond to me because it reminds me of who I was with when I first saw it. I love those kind of memories and the feelings they bring.

Being unemployed again is somewhat nice. It gives me an opportunity to be more spontaneous while I'm out and about looking for work.

For instance, yesterday I went and saw "Hot Fuzz" which stars Simon Pegg and Nick Frost. These are the same guys who did "Shaun Of The Dead". I knew the only theater in Salt Lake that was playing it was in the downtown area. So I made it a point to head out that way while doing some errands and applying for jobs.

I've been excited for this movie since seeing previews for it the past few weeks. I knew it couldn't be a bad movie because "Shaun Of The Dead" was such a great film in so many ways.

I will say that "Hot Fuzz" is worth seeing in the theater. Except, don't go into thinking that it could be better than "Shaun Of The Dead" because you may not enjoy it as much.

It doesn't come as close in wit and humor as "Shaun Of The Dead" but it is entertaining and funny. They also make fun of "Shaun Of The Dead" in one scene that was pretty clever. Actually, the whole movie is clever but it's one I have to see again to catch all the joking references they make throughout the film.

I have to admit that as I sat there laughing, it enhanced the fact I was by myself. Now, I do like to see a movie alone from time to time. But not this time. There were two other people in the theater with me and they were alone also.

Three people in one big theater laughing alone but together. That made me kind of sad. Not just for me but for the other two people. I couldn't help but wonder why THEY were alone in this theater with me enjoying a film that really needs more attendance than three people.

I don't like being alone but it's just what I need to do until I get better. And what I mean by better is emotionally, mentally and financially better. I'm in a bad place right now. Of course, when am I NOT in a bad place? It's the same ol' goddamn song and dance when it comes to me and who I am.

I'm quickly falling apart and I need professional help. Even people close to me have reached a point where this has become a point of discussion. It seems that every time I fix one problem with me, another one happens. And when I fix that problem, the other problem I fixed happens again. And so on and so forth and yak, yak, yak.

And nothing can make all of these emotions come to light more than being alone in a dark theater laughing by myself.

What happened to bring me to this sad state? What I fear is going to a licensed professional and having them diagnose me as sick mentally. Mentally unstable. Emotionally unstable. A danger to himself and others. One who suffers from a sizable amount of mental illness.

How awful. Could this be what I'm facing? Is it showing more and more to others but not to me because I'm in some kind of denial? Do I need to spend some time in a "wellness center" for help? Or is it some simple medication that I need? Or maybe I just need someone to talk to outside of myself and my own thoughts and subconscious?

I'm scared and I don't know why. I'm 34 and living in a complete black hole right now.

One reoccurring thought I have is that I'm suffering from some kind of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder because of the death of my friend Nick.

My friend JJ thinks I need help and pointed out that I'm not doing what I love. What I love and what I've done all my life is radio. Oddly enough, I haven't been back in radio nor really ever tried or wanted to try to get back into it since Nick's death.

Actually, since I was fired with such disgrace from 96.1 KLPX in Tucson, Arizona (and then, just a week later, Nick died), I have never cared to get back into radio. Since then, my life has been going in all sorts of different directions both personally and professionally.

Could these two situations be the root cause of my recent problems? Is there something there I need to open up to further? What the hell is wrong with me? Why do I keep jeopardizing myself, the people I'm involved with and the positions of employment I hold?

Honestly, you know what I would like? My job at the railroad back. I was really happy there. If I'm not going to get back into radio, I'd like to go back to that. I know I've mentioned that before but there is no way that'll ever happen. Whatever mental sickness I'm suffering from destroyed that possibility for me.

Wait, I'm not going to be one of those people who puts blame of some sickness. My undoing is my own. It's MY fault and nobody else's. Of course, maybe that's another thing to consider. Perhaps the burden of guilt and shame I'm carrying around for a host of things has driven me completely mad.

It's time for me to investigate getting some help. Thank God for the internet. I'm sure I can find someone to talk to and assist me to combating whatever it is that is causing such distress.

You know what else the internet is helping me do? It's assisting me in find two other major needs in my life. Money and love. On the internet, I can bounce from the Department of Workforce Services website to find work all while utilizing Singlesnet.com to find the woman that is right for me and my mental conditions.

The glory of cyber space. Monster.com to OkCupid.com to CareerBuilder.com to Singlesnet.com to MySpace.com.

Maybe that's really all the therapy I need right there.

No, no it's not.

Anyway, check out "Hot Fuzz". But take someone with you that you can enjoy it with. If you don't have anyone, give me a buzz. I'll go with you and have a laugh and create some memories.

-Mike The Janitor
©2007
Millenoma Publishing