The WORST bumper sticker EVER!

Call it my attention to detail. Actually, my attention to things that most people don't give another thought to. I'm always noticing odd things about the surroundings around me.

Now, bumper stickers aren't really all that odd. We all see them. They're pretty goddamn pointless and lame. I, myself, don't have any bumper stickers or window stickers on my car.

I have been planning on putting a Starbucks sticker on my car, though. Oh, and a couple of old radio station stickers just for fun.

Anyway, as I was driving home from work last week, I came up behind this beat up, piece of shit Nissan (or maybe it was a Toyota) pick-up truck that had the WORST bumper sticker EVER.

Are you ready for this?

"1 Cross + 3 Nails = 4GVN"

That's what it said. It took me a second to figure out what the hell it meant, too. Which made me feel really dumb because the sticker is so lame to begin with.

I'm glad to see the death of Jesus Christ has come to be summed up, in the worst of ways, on a bumper sticker.

I'm not religious by any means. Maybe I should be and get some churching up to help me blossom with a more positive attitude. I need a Holy Ghost party right up in here. I've actually been considering becoming religious, people. Seriously. No joke.

Personally, I've always wanted to be Jewish or a Southern Baptist.

When I was a kid learning about the Holocaust and the crimes committed by Hitler and the German army against the Jews, I felt really bad for the Jewish community. I thought it would help their religion if I became Jewish to help them make a comeback, in so many words.

As for being a Southern Baptist, I've always LOVED a good Southern Baptist church choir. Some of those hymns they bust out are just fun and incredible. They make me feel they love and need of a higher being, I tell ya!

Can I get an AMEN! HALLELUJAH! Praise His name!

If my ex-girlfriend Amanda can be a born-again Mormon, what's to say I can't find Christ in my heart through religious findings or something?

The thing with Amanda, however, is downright mean. Here is a girl that I truly did care for, sent mixed messages, called the police on me and then disappeared from my life because (and I'm assuming this knowing the ways of the Mormon teachings) cut me from her life completely.

I even forgave her for her lies and bullshit and tried to make amends with her. What kind of religion teaches you to cut away people from your life and lie about things they've done?

Why the shit am I still fixated on Amanda, anyway?

Because she owes me a sincere apology for her crime against me personally. That's all I ask.

Why am I talking about this?

Oh, I remember. Religion. I have a hard time with religion because of things like this. I don't have any religion in my life and I've been able to honestly and sincerely forgive. I would hope that some that I've wronged in my life have done the same for me. God knows (no pun intended there) that I've paid the price in spades for my behavior time and time again.

It's that damn bad karma reaching out to tickle my balls again. Well, more like reaching out, grabbing a firm hold, twisting until my nuts are purple and my testicles are popping out like corks from a champagne bottle.

Thank the heavens (no pun intended there, either) I have bumper stickers to guide me on the path of forgiveness.

Remember kids, one cross plus three nails equals forgiven (1 Cross + 3 Nails = 4GVN {Forgiven}).

*shakes head*

I'd like to publicly urinate on the asshat that made this bumper sticker. Here I am, not religious, getting worked up over this lame ass, religious bumper sticker.

I guess I better listen to some God's Property or something and feel the spirit of His divine being run through me and help me not think so badly of this sticker, eh?

Enough about the bumper sticker. Let's talk about this past week, shall we?

Last week was rough for me. I had a hard time at work as well as a hard time trying to quickly move out of my apartment without going postal.

On Monday, I ran over my company cell phone with the Dixie Chopper lawn mower. Opps. I was riding along cutting the lawn and I hit a bump on the mower. My cell phone pops off my belt and under the mower.

*GRINNNNNDDDDDDDD*

Wow. That sucks. My Motorola Nextel phone went from one piece to around 230 pieces.

I also have been having a hard time mastering the art of running the trimmer properly. That takes some skill and it's some back breaking work. I've also noticed that with my continuing kidney problems, holding the trimmer and walking makes for some unbearable pain.

But I bear it because I'm strong like an ox. I'm just waiting for the day I collapse and wake up in the hospital. Knowing my luck, it'll happen. Place your bets, cyber peeps.

I found another soiled condom in one of our parks. Except this time, the condom was on a bench and leaking it's contents ON the bench. Not only did I have to remove the condom from the bench (in front of a playground, no less), I had to spray off the man chowder from the bench.

As much as it disgusts me to find used condoms and dispose of them, it makes me think of some of the great times I've had sexually. I've done it a few times in a park. But I wouldn't be so crude as to leave my remnants behind.

Wait, no... I have done that, actually. Maybe this is bad karma coming back to teach me a lesson on proper disposal of soiled condoms when done doing the duty of pleasing the booty?

Aside from the cell phone incident and the condom incident, I don't know of any other exciting things to report from the work front. I will admit that my stress from my financial disasters was clouding my mind. My moving also didn't help. Luckily, I was able to keep it to myself while maintaining a pleasant attitude at work.

I've completely moved out of my apartment as of yesterday. Since I didn't own much to begin with and sold much of what I had, there wasn't a lot to move. But to put all of what I still have into one little bedroom and arrange it to where I'm comfortable has been a chore.

It's still a work in progress.

Ironically, I've come to find out that someone around the area of where I'm staying has wireless internet service. So, once again, I'm able to get free wireless internet to my computer. This is good since I haven't been able to pay my T-Mobile Hot Spot bill to utilize the internet at Starbucks.

The free wireless internet signal here isn't as reliable as the one I had coming into my apartment. It keeps cutting in and out. But beggars can't be choosers.

Besides, I'm tired of going to Starbucks. I know, I know... this is a SHOCKING revelation considering what a fan I am of my local hangout. I've just become bitter about the shitty customer service and the fact I can't seem to get through to my other ex-girlfriend, the Starbucks barista.

I ran into last weekend, actually. She was leaving work and I pulled up along side her as I was pulling into Starbucks. I told her she was right about me and how much of what she said about me during our break-up affected me.

I could tell she really didn't care either way. I can also tell by her body language that I creep her out.

What do I expect? I cheated on her with Amanda more than once because I was a fuck. I somehow think I'm entitled to forgiveness from her because of how badly I damaged our relationship. Not too mention how badly I damaged my character.

Trying to accept this has been an ordeal. I sometimes snap into denial and get very angry at the Starbucks barista because I start to think who the fuck is she to criticize me, anyway?

In many ways, I feel that we were both on the rebound. She was looking for a fling and something fun to get her mind off her ex-husband, her job at Starbucks and her college education.

I was on the rebound from Amanda and looking for something with more potential and promise.

Instead, right after our relationship started, we both started having some issues that I don't think either one of us openly communicated to one another. That led to us pushing each other away and me going into self-destructive mode and setting up a disaster.

I wanted the best of both worlds. I wanted the fantastic sex I had with Amanda mixed with the brilliance, wit and smarts I had with the Starbucks barista.

In the long run, I got neither. And now look at me. I don't have my own place and I live with my mom, again, at 34. I have no friends to speak of and no girlfriend, either.

I'm alone in this battle with myself. Yet, I can't deny that I'm getting increasingly lonely and masturbation is really starting to become a task.

What woman in her right mind is going to hook up with a guy living with his mom? What kind of message does that send?

Actually, that should be the least of my worries. Besides, I was dating Amanda and the Starbucks barista when I was living here the last time. But that time was more legitimate because I had moved back to Utah from Arizona and was looking to make a new life for myself once I got back on my feet.

Well, I got back on my feet and found a place to live on my own. I had plans to save and look into buying a house. Then I quit a great job that I loved with the railroad an everything fell apart shortly after.

Please enter Bad Karma, stage left.

You create your environment. You think negative and negative things WILL happen.

I'm talking in circles here. When am I not? It's "Mike's Pity Party" weekly here on MySpace.com.

Actually, I don't feel pity for myself. I'm just ashamed for some of the things I've done and I'm learning from that.

I'm also glad to learn that just one cross and three nails equals forgiveness for us all.

-Mike The Janitor
©2007
Millenoma Publishing