The National Administration for Usable & Breathable Air

Earlier today, I went out to put air in my tire. I have a slow leak on my right rear tire that needs to be filled about every week. I need new tires all the way around but can't afford it just yet. I also need new brakes, too.

Upon pulling into my local Conoco gas station (which has been bought out by the Circle K franchise), I came upon an air pump that requested I pay 75 cents to get some air.

75 cents for air.

AIR!

This isn't the first time I've pulled into a gas station to use an air pump only to find it will cost me 25 to 75 cents. I think this is complete horseshit. I think it's such horseshit that I drove 16 blocks out of my way to go to a service station I knew had a free air hose.

As I drove out of my way on this simple conquest, I came to the conclusion that we all take air for granted. Although we have such an abundance of air, we clearly have limited amounts to provide it for free in air pumps for your tires or other items requiring air. Items like basketballs and other sporting equipment, air mattresses and George Bush's head.

Therefore, I propose a government administration that will police the use of usable and breathable air.

Under the direction of the Department of Interior, the National Administration for Usable & Breathable Air will monitor and tax all human beings and items that require air.

Pets and wild animals would be void of these new laws. Although, it wouldn't be out of the question to monitor and tax household pets once this new administration got this project off the ground.

For instance, the new government administration will develop a special monitor that all humans will wear to monitor breathing habits and air consumption rates. Based on the information gathered by the monitor, a bill will be produced at the end of the month that will show your consumption and all charges relating to said air consumption.

I feel a suitable tax rate for breathable and usable air should be around five cents per inhale. Due to increasing climate changes and global warming issues, a tax of around three cents would be charged on every exhale.

Smokers would pay ten times that amount on both inhaling and exhaling. Since smokers mix clean, pure breathable and usable air with cigarette smoke (or cigars, pipes and illicit drugs), this process damages the air upon inhaling.

The same applies to the exhaled air of the smoker. Actually, since the air coming out is more than likely WORSE than when it went in, charges on a smokers EXHALE should be 30 times more than that of a non-smoker.

Charges would also apply to flatulence. Since flatulence contains methane, it pollutes our usable and breathable air supply.

Under the direction of the National Administration for Usable & Breathable Air, a device would be created (probably involving a funnel, a tube and an air tight container), that can capture the flatulence to be recycled later and turned into energy to heat, cool or power your home or car.

People who have a medical condition, are senior citizens, sexually active or exercise regularly will also be charged a higher tax since they inhale and exhale more air.

People who snore will be charged a higher rate since they sometimes gulp large amounts of air during their R.E.M. sleep cycle.

Again, all of this would be monitored by the federally issued A.M.S. (Air Monitoring System) device. Any tampering with this device will result in a large fine and at least one year in a coma with reduced breathing privileges.

If you don't pay your breathing bill, fines and jail time will also be issued which will also include coma procedures. Continuing failure to follow the federal rules on breathing and using the usable and breathable air "breathing and consumption chart" will result in death.

Home air pumps and portable air pumps for car and bicycle tires as well as sporting good items would carry a heavy purchase fee and monthly use charge. I think the going rate for a home air pump should be $900 with a $19.99 monthly fee.

To cut down on further use of usable and breathable air with air pumps at service stations, you have to carry a license to operate the air pump equipment.

Upon taking a two year course in the proper use of an air pump (classes held at the Center for the National Administration for Usable & Breathable Air in Chicago, Illinois for $13,000), all licensed individuals will be able to use the service station air pumps for FREE. As long as they pay their annual license fee of $15,000.

There would also be air use taxes applied to anyone blowing up balloons, blowing up sex dolls, using compressed air to clean electronics, using accordions (or other instruments requiring air such as trumpets, trombones, saxophones... basically all wind instruments), companies or individuals utilizing windmills, individuals flying kits, etc.

There would be additional fees and taxes to companies who manufacture and individuals who use aerosols, air horns, fans and whoopee cushions.

Companies who manufacture and individuals who open and drink carbonated beverages will be charged a use fee. Companies who make carbonated beverages will be charged 89 cents per can or bottle utilizing usable and breathable air for carbonation.

Individuals opening and drinking from containers with carbonation will be charged a use fee of 45 cents. That fee will be reduced 15 cents when you utilize the federally issued C.A.R. (Carbonated Air Recycler).

The National Administration for Usable & Breathable Air would also contract large companies like Halliburton to help pipe in more usable and breathable air from other countries rich in it.

We'd also export lower grade usable and breathable air (i.e. air over Los Angeles) to third world countries to assist them and prevent any possible air shortages in those regions we export it to.

However, should any country deny the United States the right to their usable and breathable air, we'll go to war with them until democracy is brought to the area and we have stockpiles of their usable and breathable air here at home.

The National Administration for Usable & Breathable Air would also educate the public on proper breathing techniques to help cut the use of our usable and breathable air supply as well as how to recycle and reclaim used air.

There would also be classes to educate the public on how to properly release trapped air and utilize it efficiently. Trapped air can be found in seat cushions, balloons, mattresses and packing bubble wrap, just to name a few.

Those who assist in the National Air Supply Recycling Program, discounts will be given in fees charged to breathe, break wind, drink carbonated beverages and pump air.

These are just some of the ideas I think would work for a new and necessary division of government.

I'd like to be the head of this specialized government branch so I can give myself diplomatic immunity and go to a goddamn gas station and get air in my tire for FREE!

Charging for air. What a bunch of shit.

-Mike The Janitor
©2007
Millenoma Publishing