So, it's been a week and a day since my last blog posting. Since that time, a few of you have written to me asking what happened with the visit with my ex-girlfriend, Christina.
One of my cyber buddies and blog readers, Shalise, flat out told me to bring everyone up to speed because the suspense was killing her. I've noticed that Shalise had to delete her profile due to some phishing problems. Hopefully she has created a new account to read up on what happened.
Presently, Christina is driving back home to California with her father. According to last reports from her to me, she was going to be leaving at 7 AM this morning to make the trip back.
I spoke to her yesterday afternoon on the phone and she relayed that information. She also wanted to hook up with me for a couple of hours last night before she left this morning.
Unfortunately, that never happened. That was the last time I spoke to her before she left.
Just before she called, I was having one of my usual emotional moments while sitting in front of my laptop listening to songs in my iTunes. Right at the exact moment she called, I was all weepy eyed from a song by artist Michael Penn called "Out Of My Hands".
I was including that song and MANY others in a list of music I was compiling for Christina to burn onto mix CD's. I've always loved making mix discs for others. Especially the women I've been involved with because sometimes music can convey a much deeper meaning than I can.
I was trying to get the discs done so she had something to listen to on the road for her trip back. I've yet to complete that project. There are many songs I want to include in the soundtrack of our former lives together and our lives apart and our recent meeting up again.
Let me start with when I picked her up at the airport last Saturday afternoon.
I got there about ten minutes early. I limped my way to the baggage claim area where she would be getting her luggage from her flight. I was limping because I think I suffer from gout. Every once and a while I get some really bad pains in my left foot that makes it painful to walk. But I digress.
As I stood in the baggage claim area, I did some people watching. There were a few people milling about in the area. People greeting one another. Families and couples embracing. People in a hurry to get from here to there and blah, blah, blah.
I stood against a wall and waited for the arrival of Christina. About 15 minutes later, I saw her walking towards the baggage claim area. My heart stopped as I realized that was her. I took a few steps back and hid behind a display so I could surprise her somewhat.
As she walked by, she caught a glimpse of me. We said "hi" to one another and hugged each other.
It was during this hug I realized that something was different. I felt awkward and nervous. I also realized that the feelings and emotions I once had for her weren't the same as they had once been when I last saw her ten years ago.
I found this perplexing because I wasn't quite expecting that type of odd emotion for such a big moment. Then I reflected back on the apprehension I had been feeling prior to her arrival.
Her boobs had gotten bigger. She also had a fuller, round ass that looked very stunning in the jeans she was wearing. Her hair had gone from blonde to black. She looked the same but different. She looked older and mature.
She wasn't the same person I once knew and neither was I. This, above all else, was the reality I had slowly come to face as I walked with her to my car. I guess I was hoping for those feelings and emotions I used to have when she would come back into my presence.
I guess I wanted to feel those feelings and emotions because they were familiar and comforting. I needed that kind of moment due to my own personal drama that I wanted to escape from for just a little while.
I suppose I wanted her being there with me to assist in saving me from myself in some way. But that didn't happen.
Instead, I started to think of how I hurt this person years ago and wanted so much to fix it in some way. But, let's face it, I can't even fix myself.
We went to Ruby Tuesdays to eat since we were both starving. We shared some stories and caught up somewhat of each others personal lives. I showed her some pictures and told her of where I had been and people I've known and things that I've done.
The whole time I felt distant. And she could sense it. To be quite honest, I'm becoming more and more reclusive to where a huge and important moment like this is almost too much to bear. My life is becoming more and more of solitude and anti-socialism only to be shared in the form of these writings.
After we ate, I took her to K-Mart for some specific vitamins she just had to have. Apparently, she only cares for the particular vitamins that are only available at K-Mart. I kind of laugh to myself now thinking about that.
I also had a strange feeling come over me as well as another time we went into a Target later on that evening. I thought that had we stayed together, we'd more than likely be doing this same thing as a married couple and possibly doing it with a kid. Maybe more than one kid. As a family unit. That thought gave me pause and felt completely natural.
After K-Mart, we went to Beans & Brews for coffee. We sat there for a couple of hours looking at more photographs and me sharing stories of my deceased friend, Nick. She told me of relationships she had been involved in and one that she spoke of with such fondness I got that she still feels bad it didn't work out.
What made her stories of this person make me feel awkward were the fact that he is a talented musician. Once the lead singer of a popular band, he now is focusing on a solo career. I listened to her MP3 player which is mostly filled with music by this individuals' former band and is solo work to date.
I found myself resenting this guy. It made me feel that much more worse about my own state of affairs and professional fuck ups over the years. Here is a guy that has a successful career with a successful band and is still plugging away making music where I threw in the towel and mow lawns for a living.
I also got sick to my stomach realizing that other men had had my girl. I'm sure she felt the same learning of all the women I've been involved with since her and I were together.
She did play some music for me from a woman named Ashley Matte that is a friend of hers. I liked Ashley's music so much, I just downloaded her album "Colors' off of eMusic.com before coming here to write this blog.
Christina and I still have the same tastes in music as we did years ago. It was nice to share things like that with one another. It also helped capture the moment we were both sharing in this rekindling.
But the more we talked and hung out with one another in Beans & Brews, the more I realized that I wasn't as attracted to nor interested in her as I had once been. It felt like we were on our first or second date after years of getting to know each other over the internet or something.
These feelings and thoughts made me feel odd and uncomfortable.
After Beans & Brews, we went to pick up some stuff at Target that her mom needed. While we were in Target, she said "You wanna look at the toys?" which made me laugh. She always could make me laugh with silly, random comments like that.
After I laughed, I thought about how I enjoyed the wit she sometimes displays. I thought about what I should do with what I have with her right now. Do I embrace the moment and have a few laughs and cries and move on keeping her in my life as a good, close friend or do I pursue something more serious and meaningful with her should she move back to Salt Lake?
If anything, she and I have to start over because it was obvious to me that we had grown apart. And this would be the topic of conversation at our next get together which came last Monday.
But, right now, I don't feel like going on about that. You'll all have to wait for my next blog posting that will be a follow up to this once. Consider this blog a cliffhanger. But don't worry, cyber buddies. I'll be sure to conclude the story within the next 24 hours.
Stay tuned.
-Mike The Janitor
©2007
Millenoma Publishing
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