The arrival

Today is a big day for me, people. In about four hours, I will be standing in the Salt Lake City International Airport awaiting the arrival of someone from my past. I haven't seen this person in about 10 years or so.

The person is female. For privacy reasons, I'll just call her "Christina". Actually, I will call her Christina because that is her name. She is making a trip out here to see family and take care of some errands and, most of all, see me.

I spoke to Christina a couple of days ago where she not only let on she was nervous but also had "butterflies" in her stomach. I made a joke that she shouldn't eat butterflies because they have been known to upset your stomach.

I'm a funny guy, I tell ya!

She inquired as to if I might be nervous, also. No, actually, I'm not. I'm more apprehensive than I am nervous. Or maybe I'm mistaking the nervousness as apprehension. I'm not quite sure.

Maybe I'm anxious. Maybe I'm dreading it. Not because of her but because of me. 10 years is a long time to go without seeing someone that you were once very close to and involved with.

I can't help but feel this sense of guilt and shame with her return. I so deeply want to be able to show off certain accomplishments and success yet I can't. I want to be able to prove some kind of growing up and financial freedom but I can't.

This is what is causing the apprehension. Which then leads to the dread. Which then leads to me wanting to throw up all over myself because of my own personal failures and the embarrassment I feel regarding them.

Christina is the only woman in my life that I've ever been truly involved with. We dated for several years and even lived together until I fucked that all up. Looking back on myself then and what I've become today, there are only slight differences.

As a matter a fact, as I sit here trying to convey the looming thoughts in my mind I can't help but feel anger, frustration and pity about my situation and the years I've been dealing with my own goddamn stupidity.

I'm trying to not let the shortcomings of my own life interfere with her visit. She is clearly beyond excited and happy to see me after so long as I am her. But with the way my mind works and my self-destructive tendencies, I can't help but NOT think about what a let down I've become to those certain few who've believed in something greater for me.

Although my "potential factor" is still there, it is slowly dwindling as I get older. Some would say to not dwell on it and just push ahead to the future. Others would say to look into the past to fix things for a better future.

My mind is a complete blank as to what we'll do when we see each other and what we're going to do during her visit. One friend of mine suggested that having some sex would quench several demons.

To be honest, sex with her has been something I've been thinking about but not regularly. And I'm not quite sure what having sex will accomplish. If anything, it'll just make things that much more complicated.

I did speak to Chris about moving back to Salt Lake and her and I getting a place together. This might come as a shock to some of you reading this and it kind of shocked me when I said it.

But it felt completely natural to talk to her about it because I didn't have any hesitation bringing it up. But then I think that maybe I suggested it because I feel I have a responsibility to her to make up for our fallout from the last time we lived together.

Then I think that maybe I suggested it because I've been lonely for a while with no real connections in my life as far as romance is concerned. That is definitely something I had with Christina when we were together. Plus, she already knows how neurotic I can be.

In the ten years since Christina and I saw each other, I've had quite a few lady friends. Ahhhhhhh, hell, I'll just admit to sometimes being a man whore and doing lots of banging.

However, there have been some women in my life that I've been closer to than others. But none got as close as Christina did. They didn't get close because I didn't let them. Several have tried but none have really ever succeeded. There are a couple of women who I've angered and let down because of this.

For a long time there, I was one of those great guys with "commitment issues". Lately, I have been looking for something with more substance and long term growth. The ironic thing about that is I had that with the Starbucks barista I was dating last year. The problem was I started cheating on her with the girlfriend I had prior to her, Amanda, for some really gratifying sex.

In the end, I lost both of them and hurt both of them. I hurt the Starbucks barista by being a liar and a cheat. I hurt Amanda by not giving myself to her completely as I had with the Starbucks barista.

Even the power of her vagina was not enough to sway me back to her. So she made sure to foil me in the most sinister of ways by not only becoming Mormon (that still makes me laugh! phony bitch!) but falsifying a police report to cause me a whole lot of problems.

Fucking women. Actually, I need to blame my penis. I just need to hack the thing off and sell it on E-Bay because it has caused me more harm then good.

My point here is that Christina is still around and talking to me after all these years. She has suffered through some really hard times and one serious ordeal with me. We almost became parents at one time. Almost.

I don't want to talk about that.

I know of some friends of the women I've dated who have asked their friend dating me: "What the hell do you see in that guy"? I'm sexy, that's what. I'm funny. I mean well. I'm caring, intelligent, hard working, compassionate and blah, blah, blah.

I also have a "glorious cock" as one girl put it to me a couple of years ago... hahahahahahahahahahaha. I didn't mind putting it to her, either... hahahahahahaha.

I can't believe I just said that.

I guess my point here is that this meeting with Christina is probably a lot like what my high school reunion would be like. Excited to see all the old faces from your past while trying to show off what you've become.

Except at a high school reunion, it's so much easier to lie and make up bullshit to cover up the fact you've fucked up you life.

With this reunion between Christina and myself, I can't do that. She knows me too well.

And maybe this is what is supposed to happen. Perhaps this is my life coming around full circle to pick up where I left off abruptly all those years ago. Maybe this reunion is a starting point for me and my blossoming adult life?

Then again, maybe that is what I secretly desire and hope for. Maybe this moment is going to turn into Christina becoming my saving grace?

That is a lot of responsibility to expect from one person to fix someone so broken.

Clearly I can't fix myself because I wind up making things worse. I'm like an auto mechanic with A.D.D. when it comes to fixing myself with self-improvement. I focus on one thing and then get distracted by another thing and fix the thing that didn't really need to be fixed but makes things a little better when the major problem is getting worse.

Did any of that rambling make sense? For instance, I'm in financial turmoil and have certain bills I just need to pay off. Instead, I went out and bought an iPod knock off from RCA called an "Opal" so that I have music to listen to and enjoy while I'm mowing and trimming at work all day.

Did I need that? NO! Did I want it? YES! It was only $60 but that $60 could have went to pay for something more important like a down payment on a house. Or towards the rent on my apartment that I no longer have because I couldn't make the rent.

Isn't that lovely? I don't have a place to call my own anymore but at least I have an MP3 player to get me through the day at work.

Stupid motherfucker.

That right there, above all else, has been my undoing since I was 18. Maybe even younger.

The question is WHY do I keep doing it? I do it because money makes me happy. That's a given. spending it on things that I desire makes me even happier. That, too, is a given.

But what does that stem from? Growing up poor and my mom trying to raise me to live frugal. When I got old enough to get my first credit card, that education went right out the window.

Instead, I focused on how growing up being poor and living frugal didn't give me the things I wanted for myself growing up. So now I make up for it by buying all kinds of stuff I don't need.

This isn't to say that my mom did a bad job raising me. she was a single parent raising a child on a very limited income while trying to teach me the importance of saving and using your money wisely. As well as teaching me to be responsible with my money especially when it comes to paying bills.

Christina will be arriving in three and a half hours.

A really, truly great thing about Christina coming home is the fact that I'll be able to apologize to her in person. It's been a long time coming and she deserves that and so much more from me.

Have you noticed how my blog went from Christina's visit to other former girlfriends to self pity to my financial problems to my mom back to Christina? do I know how to write or what? If you ever wanted to know what A.D.D. looks like in written form, now you know.

I do it with such finesse, though.

I can say that today will be filled with hours of catching up and storytelling. It'll be nice to share with someone who once knew me all of my memories since our last meeting. The places I've been and the things I've done. I'll share some photographs and introduce her to the people I've known and the person I lost in those photographs. I think it'll be very therapeutic for me personally.

I'm sure I'll be taking some pictures, too.

OK, I'll admit it. Now I'm getting nervous.

-Mike The Janitor
©2007
Millenoma Publishing