You're probably really excited to find out what those number mean, huh? I bet you're on the edge of your seat wondering what they could possibly represent.
I'll explain what they mean in a moment or two here.
But first I want to preface this blog by letting you know it's probably one of the more difficult ones I've had to write in quite a while.
Actually, I don't have to write these blogs at all. It's just a weird hobby of mine that has become a secret passion. Lately, a lot of my life centers around how I'm going to convey what is happening to me in the form of a blog on MySpace.
I wanted to start out 2007 by becoming a different person. One who was more financially stable and decent. One who was making positive attempts to change his ways, make his way through the muck and get back on track.
I have to admit that I have yet to really even scratch the surface with personal changes I've been trying to make. All I've been doing is shifting from one problem to the next and back again.
My mind is going in so many directions right now that it is very hard and overwhelming to stay positive and happy when I have nothing but darkness and shit to crawl through for the next few months. Hell, it might even be a couple of years before all is right in the world of Mike.
The last few months have been pretty hard on me financially. I've been shuffling one financial responsibility to take care of another one. And then to make it easier on me, I started taking out pay day loans and that just made my situation worse.
So far, I've been able to stay afloat. Unfortunately, it's finally caught up to me in the worst way.
I've come to the realization that I can't afford to live on my own with the kind of debt I've created for myself in a few short months. Earlier today I had to make a call to my mom to inform her that I was in too deep and would have to surrender my apartment. This will require me to move out of my apartment and in with her.
I'm 34 years old and moving home. That's not the only pathetic thing about this whole mess. What's really pathetic is the fact that I couldn't last seven months on my own. Prior to moving in this apartment, I had been living with my mom for quite a while when I moved back to Salt Lake from Tucson, Arizona.
To any of you really reading this, be warned. I don't care what you have to do to find an alternative but NEVER take out a pay day loan. Better yet, NEVER wind up like me.
I feel depression setting in as fast as a swift kick to the balls. I'm feeling so completely deflated at the moment. I've lost a lot over the last few months. My financial freedom is not only what I'm talking about.
My financial woes cause me to have behavior problems that affect other people around me. Right now, I'm doing my best to keep a smile on my face and not think about these personal issues while I'm at work. And, so far, I've done a fine job at keeping these issues out of the limelight and keeping that positive attitude.
What really hurts me about all of this is just how bad I feel about how far I've allowed this to go on. I'm fully aware of what my issues are and ways to rectify my behavior. Yet I still wind up doing the same shit over and over.
I am a loser. And I'm alright with that because I know that, eventually, I'll break free of this vicious cycle I've been putting myself and others through. There is always that ray of hope shining somewhere and it will touch on me again soon.
In the meantime, I have to face being a loser head-on and know that this is a fate I've been creating for myself for a long time.
No, this is not a way for me to gain pity. It's a way for me to bring realization to my own wacky life.
I know some of you are saying "Don't talk about yourself like that, Mike"! Oh, please. Let's face it. I may not be a loser as far as a petty crook or career criminal or drug addict or raging alcoholic. But I do show loser qualities that could, in some cases, rate me right up there with the afore mentioned types of standard losers.
I just have to laugh at all of this and know that it will get better. IT WILL. It's nice to feel that sense of hope that leaves me elated. Sure, I have to move back home but it's only temporary. So what? Big deal. There are worse things in the world. For instance, the Pussycat Dolls. *barf*
I do feel bad that I have to move out of my comfy apartment. It's been a nice, little place to live and I've had some good times there. But all good things must come to an end. Actually, in my case, all good things will soon come to a beginning.
When will that beginning be?
One friend of mine pointed out to me a while back the last time I thought I was going to lose my apartment that, perhaps, it was for the best. Their opinion was that my apartment was somehow an extension of all the other bad things going wrong in my life so I might as well rid myself of it and start fresh.
That's an interesting way to look at it. I just wish I was moving into my first house and not in with my mom.
Jesus. Just typing that makes me sick to my stomach. I can't begin to tell you what a let down this is to my mom as much as it is to me. We both get to lose our freedom and privacy.
This is a shameful way for an adult male to wind up. I'm an intelligent guy. Why don't I act like it? What the FUCK? How many times have I written blogs like this that are full of self-loathing and self-pity?
Well, I haven't written one for a while, I must admit. I've been trying to remain positive even when it comes to my blog writing. But I had to write this one because my mind is full to the brim with panic, stress and... embarrassment.
When I tell my mom about some of the things I write about on MySpace, she's almost shocked by my revelations. She thinks I share too much information. For me, I don't mind being so open and candid.
Clearly, I have no one else to share my thoughts with on a regular basis so I do it here. Maybe that is something else I need to work on with my self improvement, eh? Getting out more and socializing.
Well, I do go out when I come to Starbucks to use the internet. And I do socialize while I'm here with the other regular customers and some that wander in for the first time.
Yes, I know... there is life outside of Starbucks. There is also life and people outside of this internet box I like to travel in. At least I have a job where I get to meet the public from time to time.
I hate being bipolar.
Well, I'm done boobing about this. It's time to suck it up and move on! FUCK YEAH! Like this small bump in the road is going to stop me from being the great man that I am. Whatever! I'm going to go home and stick my finger down my throat and vomit that loser right out of me!
Now, back to the numbers in the subject line.
5068 profile views
224 blog posts
34 blog comments
7258 blog views
14 kudos
See? I'm not such a loser! Look how popular I am with the people who read up on me! I'm like a free, yet dumbed down version, of a self help book online.
Of course, who am I helping? You or me?
I like to think it's both.
I know I never really tell you this but thank you for reading and showing your support. Maybe the next big thing I'll do is get these blogs published like my friend Royce in Erie, Pennsylvania or my buddy Shawn Spring in Elko, Nevada suggested.
Knowing my luck, they'd be the only two that would buy copies of my book of blogs. Oh, and my mom.
Wait, no, not my mom. She would pass because she wouldn't want to read information that she feels is too much... hahahahahahahahahahaha.
I'm so dreading this event in my life that I'm presently faced with. I'm like George Castanza from "Seinfeld".
*shakes head*
Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.
Well, this should be fun.
-Mike The Janitor
©2007
Millenoma Publishing
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