"There's a used condom under that tree."

"What"?

"Yeah. Right over under that tree. Actually, there are two under there and another one over by those metal posts".

"SOILED condoms"?

"Yep".

"As in USED condoms? Under the tree"?

"YES! See, I told you life in the Parks Department was exciting. I warned you that we find condoms".

This was part of a conversation between my co-worker Ronda and myself. We had been assigned the task of cleaning up garbage around the main park of South Jordan. Also known as "City Park".

Sure enough, much to my surprise, there were THREE used condoms scattered about in an area of City Park next to the tennis courts.

Someone was having a good time and it wasn't me. That made me really pissed.

Then I thought about my ex-girlfriend Amanda and how I wished she would call me and say hello and hang out. I had many good times with that girl and feel sorta bad that she isn't in my life anymore. Not just because of the sex but because I liked her.

Used condoms can spawn some really deep seeded emotions and feelings with me, apparently.

As I was thinking about that looking down at these used condoms under a tree, I realized that either Ronda or myself were going to have to clean them up.

Oh HELL no.

"I'm not doing it" proclaims Ronda.

"We can't just leave three used condoms laying about here in the park, Ronda" says me.

"I know. That's why you can do it" says Ronda with a grin.

Fuck. Here comes the Fuckin' New Guy to save the day! Super FNG!

So, with a stick, I proceed to retrieve the three used condoms. I gag a couple of times while thinking: "Well, isn't this the life. Picking up used condoms out of a park"!

What the fuck is wrong with people? Listen here, cyber buddies, start respecting your parks, would ya?

For Christ's sake, who do you think has to pick up after you when you decide to be some slob? I don't get paid enough to pick up condoms, new or used, out of our lovely parks.

Get a room already. Would you leave used condoms lying about in your seedy motel room?

We find all kinds of shit in the parks. I've gained a new respect for parks all over our great nation and for the people who maintain them. I'm one of those people now.

Welcome to week three of the rest of my life. Condom retrieval.

I have to say that South Jordan has some of the most beautiful parks in Salt Lake County. I'm not just saying that because I work there. I truly find them to be very well laid out parks with great facilities.

One park of the South Jordan park system is the fish pond. This is located in an area known as Riverfront Park. There is an east and west side to this park. It sits on along the Jordan River on the east side which includes the fish pond, the Jordan River walkway, a couple of large pavilions, many mini pavilions, a large playground, bathrooms and our recent addition of a pain-in-the-ass tree farm.

The west side is a large park with a large pavilion, several mini pavilions, paved walkways and a large playground.

The reason I bring up this park is because it's one of the ones I've been working in this past week. I can't begin to tell you how bad the garbage stinks around the fish pond area because of the people who gut their fish and toss the remains in the garbage.

Upon emptying these trash cans, I came close to throwing up more than once. This is a really hard part of the job because the smell is SO overwhelming. My eyes started to well up because I was trying to keep from yaking all over.

You can read about this park on the included link and learn more about one of the fine parks we have in South Jordan. If you like to fish, this is a place to come and have some fun or learn. Just wait to gut your fish until you get home. Otherwise you'll be using my vomit as fish bait. Which might work nicely with the carp, actually. Check it out here: Riverfront Park in South Jordan

I spent a lot of time either finishing up aerating in this area, fertilizing this area or helping plant trees in the tree farm that is also in this area.

The tree farm has turned out to be quite a controversy, actually. It seems that the residents that live around the area are angry with the location of the tree farm and the black chain link fence going around the section of land we're using for the tree farm.

The land itself was a goddamn eyesore. Full of weeds and garbage and piles of shitty dirt. Now it's been leveled out and has a 250 young trees all in straight lines with it's own irrigation system.

This tree farm looks so much better than the crappy empty lot that it was. And we've worked VERY HARD putting all these pots and trees into the ground. Not to mention the work that the Streets Department went to by coming out with a road grader and leveling the land and helping us clean it up to turn into a tree farm.

It's been quite a project, to say the least.

But the citizens are pissed mostly by the fence. According to some municipal housing code for the area we are in, the fence is supposed to be a wrought iron fence or something similar.

Something more stylish and expensive than a chain link fence. But this is a nice, black vinyl (or maybe it's rubber) covered chain link fence. Not some grayish silver looking chain link fence like you'd find in Anytown, U.S.A.

Some citizens are upset that it's a tree farm and not something else. The kids in the area are pissed it's not a skate park.

I'm pissed because these upper class South Jordan citizens can't appreciate a tree farm. They've actually held meeting about this tree farm it's caused such a fuss. I'm not talking about meetings with the Parks Department and city officials. I'm talking about South Jordan citizens meeting with each other to cause some kind of crusade against a goddamn tree farm.

Some citizens have had meeting with our city officials to complain which has led to us bring in dirt to make large mounds along the west side of the fence. On top of the mounds and all around the piles of dirt will be more trees, bushes and shrubs to conceal the fence.

In total, I would say that there are at least a minimum of six people working on this tree farm project everyday. There is also a contracted landscape company that has come out to help up with creating the project on the west side of the fence.

We're also hearing that we might have to move the tree farm altogether to another location.

*shakes head*

This tree farm is home to about ten different varieties of trees. Sometime next year, we're supposed to be planting another 1000 trees in this spot. Eventually they're also looking to build a greenhouse there.

All I can say is that we're VERY short staffed and South Jordan is blowing up with more and more people everyday.

And then there is the new community know as Daybreak.

Daybreak is A LOT of property that will fall under the control of the city of South Jordan. It's a massive project that include THREE man made lakes. It's an amazing thing to see when you're out there. It is really a project to be in awe of. As a matter a fact, check it out here Daybreak in South Jordan

Also, read about South Jordan as a city here The City of South Jordan

I'm excited to be a part of the most progressive city in Salt Lake County. Probably even Utah. The development here is astounding. This city is always thinking big and ahead to the future. It's truly amazing what they have planned. I'm sometimes concerned that they've bitten off more than they can chew.

Once the Daybreak project comes more under our control, we'll need double (if not triple) the staff we have in Park Maintenance. Presently we have about 12 full time employees working in Parks. And that isn't enough for what we have to do now.

Yesterday, I spent my day using a backpack blower to blow off all the sidewalks and trails around City Park, the South Jordan Community Recreation Center, the South Jordan Senior Center, South Jordan Fire Station #1 and Riverfront Park on the east and west side.

Let me tell you, those backpack blowers vibrate the shit out of you. At the end of the day, you have a massive headache, backache and a funny feeling like you're still carrying the damn thing. Not too mention the right hand cramps from holding the blower wand in which to blow off the sidewalks and trails.

Not only did I have to blow off the sidewalks and trails, I also had to blow out all the large and mini pavilions. It took me four hours to do City Park alone. That also includes the Rec. Center, the Senior Center and the Fire Station.

The other half of the day I spent working with Ronda blowing out Riverfront Park. We then went to help another co-worker, Mike, at the City Cemetery where we had to assist in blowing the fertilizer off of every single headstone. There are about 500, I think. As well as the streets and sidewalks in and around the cemetery.

Aside from the condom retrieval and the tree farm controversy, I don't have many other exciting stories to share. Outside of the standard stories of how I work off a different part of my ass everyday.

I'm hoping to have lost so much weight by the end of this summer season, I'll look like a totally different man. I'm already sporting a tan, ladies.

It's really hard work but I enjoy myself. And some of the scenery I get to look at everyday is something to be admired. I really need to be taking my camera with me to work.

Of course, the next time I find a used condom, I'll snap a picture of it for you all with my camera phone.

Did I mention I work with three lesbians? I do. And, no, Ronda in not one of them. But a couple of the lesbians like to think we're already an item.

I would like to say that South Jordan has some of the HOTTEST women in Utah. Not just HOT women but HOT MILF's! Plenty of "Moms I'd Like To Fuck" walking around that town. I hope one of them meets me while I'm working up a sweat and invites me in for lemonade and some hardcore sexual drilling.

Then she could be my sugar momma.

Or I could stick with fantasizing about Amanda while looking at used condoms. Or I could fantasize about Amanda while getting it on with a MILF.

Or I could just pull my head out of my ass and realize that I need to get out and do some socializing. Sheesh. There are plenty of fish in the sea. And plenty of women taking strolls around the fish pond in the Riverfront Park.

Maybe I'll find my true love in a park.

I just hope she's not getting nailed by some guy who will leave his condom in the park for me to pick up.

Asshole.

-Mike The Janitor
©2007
Millenoma Publishing