Christ... I hope I don't have the bird flu

Not too long ago, I finished a frustrating project. Well, maybe frustrating isn't quite the word to use. More like tedious. Yeah, that's good. Tedious. I sound smart. Tedious.

The project I took on was to figure out why my dryer was not drying. Since receiving a washer and dryer from my friend Kris (thanks again, Kris), I've taken on the task of cleaning them up some since they've been sitting for a while.

With the washer, I first used distilled white vinegar. Then I used some Pine-Sol. Then I scrubbed it down with some CLR. It wasn't too dirty but it did need a good cleaning, I felt. It runs great. A couple of slight mechanical problems but it works and I can't complain since I got it for free, right? Right.

The dryer is good, too. As I pointed out in an earlier blog, it's that old school "split pea green soup" color. Awesome! I love it. The only problem is that it wouldn't dry my first batch of clothes I washed in a test run.

The washer washed the clothes just fine. Nice and clean. The dryer got very hot but wasn't actually drying because it wasn't circulating air.

What could be causing this problem? Well, a little thought on my part I immediately figured out that it must be the dryer hose. It has to be clogged.

So, today, I had to pull everything away from the wall to give myself plenty of room to work and get around. This not only meant pulling the washer and dryer away from my kitchen wall but my stove and refrigerator, too.

The hose for the dryer runs behind the stove and fridge. Then it goes up the wall about six feet and out a vent in the wall.

Here's where it gets interesting and why it lead to me taking on a whole project of cleaning the dryer hose out.

Yesterday, after my test run of trying to wash and dry my clothes, I not only noticed the clothes weren't drying but there was a musty, wet smell in my house that had been coming from the dryer. This is what made me immediately think of the dryer hose.

So, I went outside to find where the vent to the dryer came to the outside of the house. Upon going outside, I met my new neighbor. His name is Mike, too. Ironically, he works at Wal*Mart (along with his wife) just up the street. I should say he works for a Wal*Mart store whereas I work at the Distribution Center.

Anyway, as we greet each other, he introduces me to his friend, Thomas. Thomas had come over to help Mike with a washer and dryer, too. However, Mike has brand new units as opposed to my second hand Magic Chef washer and "split pea green soup" Kenmore dryer.

Thomas points out that my dryer vent is clogged. Sure enough, I look up and I could see it clear as day. It's not only clogged but it doesn't look like lint. It looks like weeds or something.

What's really funny is that in the hole for the dryer vent is a coffee can with holes punched in it to make a makeshift vent of some sort. Not your standard vent that you would usually see outside of a house for a dryer.

Since it was getting late, I didn't want to bang around all night trying to un-clog the dryer hose and the wall vent. So I waited until this morning.

Which brings me to what I encountered. There was quite a bit of dryer hose behind the stove and fridge. Way more than needed. So I cut that down and cleaned out the remaining hose that I was going to use for venting purposes.

Then I removed the wall plate that attaches the hose to the wall so the air can blow outside. It was at this point I found the REAL problem.

Inside the hole for the dryer vent, was a nest. A goddamn bird's nest. It was packed full of dry weeds and whatnot to make a nice little home for these fucking birds that once lived there.

It was disgusting at it stunk... BAD. Whomever lived here before me and made that stupid fucking coffee can vent for the outside, didn't bother to clean out what was on the inside of the wall leading out.

So, I did. I took a garbage bag and an old kitchen knife and I dug out all the shit crammed in there. That included TWO dead birds. YUCK! WHAT THE FUCK!

Then I took my vacuum cleaner and attached the cleaning wand an sucked all the rest of the shit out as best I could. I then threw away the shit and dead birds from the wall, the kitchen knife I used to dig it with and immediately changed out my vacuum cleaner bag.

As I was doing this, the vacuum is banging around behind the fridge and stove as I am. I stumbled on the hose and fell into the back of the fridge. This pushed my fridge forward which, in turn, knocked all the pack rat shit on top of my fridge off.

Some of those items went right off onto the stove into the frying pan I had used earlier this morning to make bacon and eggs. So I had to throw all that shit away because it was covered in bacon and egg grease. SHIT!

Then I got everything cleaned and just right to my liking. I positioned everything back only to realize I hadn't plugged the stove nor the dryer back in. FUCK! So I had to pull the stove and dryer back out and climb behind the units to plug them in.

Then I realized I was kind of trapped behind the appliances because I could only pull them out just enough so the cords could reach the plugs. At this point, my fat ass is drenched in sweat from the appliance workout.

So, I jumped up on top of the appliances to climb over them and get back on the other side so I could push them back against the wall. As I did this, I used my right knee on top of the dryer to lift myself up and over. But my knee was sweaty and gave out by sliding out from under me as I climbed over the dryer.

This sent me falling, face first, into my kitchen carpet with a nice, dull thud. Ouch.

I just laid there for a moment or two.

Then I started to laugh slightly.

Fucking bird's nest.

My clothes are dry, though.

-Mike The Janitor
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Millenoma Publishing