It's been a long while since I set out to make a day of sitting in Alchemy Coffee and blogging my day away. I haven't been in Alchemy to write since October, I think. And, for whatever reason, I haven't been writing anywhere as much as I used to.
It's not that I don't want to or feel like it. I think I just kind of hit a lull wall, of sorts. I started getting wrapped up in other ways to express myself and my zany creativity. Whether it was making videos on YouTube or recording phonecasts via iPadio.com.
I get easily distracted when it comes to being silly in some way, shape or form. Whatever I can do to get my message out there, I'll give it a whirl. The funny thing is that I don't really even have a "message", per se. I just like to share moments or stories from my life and elaborate on them.
If anything, it gives the vast viewing and listening audience on the internet an open door to the world of Mike. I know how much people enjoy peering into the lives of others. We all have a voyeuristic tendencies.
For over a year I came to Alchemy to write, write, write and drink coffee... and write. I'd also do actual productive things like look for work and create my popular website here at www.mikethejanitor.com.
Alchemy Coffee became my home away from home and I became quite a regular here. If I sit here and try to calculate the amount of hours I've spent in this little coffee house, I think it would be safe to say it's close to 800 hours. Probably more.
I base this assumption of time spent sitting here from around October 2008 to October 2009. Last year at this time, I was working for Honey Bucket and making really good money. About that time, I had three days off. Saturday, Sunday and Monday. I'd usually work half a day on Wednesday, too.
During my days off, I would come here to Alchemy and write of my exploits and post pictures. I was constantly telling stories of my adventures at Honey Bucket and things I would encounter during my job of cleaning portable toilets.
I have to admit that I really miss that. I miss Honey Bucket. It was hard, sometimes grueling work. But I was far more respected doing that by my fellow peers and management than what I'm presently suffering at this employer I'm at now. And people that knew me respected me, too. They got a kick out of my Honey Bucket days.
Now I'm just this guy doing a dead-end job that any moron could do. Come to think of it, there are some morons I work with. So I can say that.
There is nothing fascinating about my job. There are no great stories to tell. I work in a warehouse and help run a shipping/receiving department for a local envelope production company. La-dee-freaking-da.
I don't mean to trash my employer. That isn't my point or intention. But it's obvious that this isn't the place for someone like me. And it eats at me every day. However, I put myself in the situation that led to me gaining employment at this company.
At the end of April, 2009, I had walked off the job at Honey Bucket. Things came to a head one morning and I got fed up. My management accused me of something that I didn't do and I quit. That's how strongly I felt.
I quit at the beginning of the unemployment crisis that is still plaguing our nation. I didn't have a plan nor did I have any money saved for a "rainy day". I didn't care, either.
After I quit, I sold off some of my high-end electronics to live and pay rent. During that time, I sat here in Alchemy Coffee browsing the internet looking for work. Not only did I put out resumes for regular, blue-collar jobs but also for radio gigs across the United States.
I interviewed at a few places during the month I was unemployed. I spoke with two radio stations that were interested in bringing me on-board in California and Texas. But the only thing that seemed promising was the interview I had with the employer I'm now at.
The radio gigs never panned out. The various interviews I had done for the blue-collar jobs generated nothing more than rejection letters. The only place that seemed to really like me, ironically, is the place I've come to not really enjoy now.
I've shared this story before but I'll state it again. I wasn't the first choice for this position I now hold. Their actual first selection didn't pass their drug test. Since I came in at a close second with the silver medal, they passed down the gold and I got the job.
Yay.
I must admit that I was pretty damn proud of myself for landing a job in less than a month. Again, this was during the time when the jobless rate was growing increasingly and quickly. I think I was able to land a new job so quickly because I never got down on myself. I was constantly projecting a sense of happiness and confidence.
In my mind I knew that this job was mine and I was going to make it mine. Not because it was something I really wanted to do. But because the hourly wage was as close to what I was making at Honey Bucket when I left. I took this job for the money. Not for the position.
I have to keep reminding myself of that whenever my blood starts boiling there. And, believe me, that happens on an almost daily basis. Hands down, this is one of the worst work environments I've ever been involved in.
But I digress.
So, here I am at my old stomping grounds bitching and moaning on the internet. GO ME! WOOT! It's nice to be back. Some of the other regulars are drifting in and seeing me here in the corner. They've said they're hello's and asked where I've been. It's nice to see them again and make conversation. Yet another reminder of how I've missed this place.
I think I've met my quota of Americanos. I've tossed back FIVE of these highly-caffeinated espresso drinks. And I'm tweeking like a damn meth head. My mind is going a mile a minute. I need to find a rest stop in my tweeking highway mind and pee some of this out. Jesus!
I set out this morning to go and buy some dish soap. But before walking out my door, I changed my mind and decided to come to Alchemy and tap into a part of my life that I haven't visited for a while. I'm glad I changed my mind. I needed the distraction.
I still need to buy the dish soap and some other things for my living space. I can't spend the majority of my day on the internet, you know? There are chores to be done. Fences to mend. Cows to milk. Chickens to feed.
The usual.
I'm going to gobble down some quick lunch here at Alchemy and get back to my weekend grind.
Kisses.
-Mike The Janitor
©2010
Millenoma Publishing
1.30.2010
1.24.2010
Midvale police officer killed
There is just one slight problem with my subject line. It's misleading because the "officer" killed wasn't human.
It was a dog.
A police service dog. A dog utilized within the K-9 unit of the Midvale City Police Department.
I had no idea about this story until my mom shared it with me earlier today. It wasn't the tragedy that I'm about to make light of. It was what took place after the fact. This news is fairly old to those here in Utah that watch the news. But it's new to me. Therefore, I had to sound off about it.
But before I go off on a rant that is sure to piss off some, let me make it clear here... I'm not trying to be cruel or inhumane about this terrible incident. I'm just expressing my opinion on something that I feel is completely silly.
The death of the animal is not silly. But the events following the dog's death are. At least, they are to me. Does this make me a bad person? Does it make me a hater of dogs in general? No. I just don't know when to shut my mouth. And, quite frankly, this entire story pisses me off.
To give you an idea of what it is I'm going to bitch about, let me first send you over to my affiliate, Wendy Leonard, of the Deseret News. Here she does a report on the incident that took place that led to the police service dog's death.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Midvale police dog is slain; man killed
Shootout occurs after what officers say was an attempted burglary
By: Wendy Leonard - Deseret News
Published: Saturday, Jan. 2, 2010 12:26 a.m.
MIDVALE — A man shot and killed a Midvale city police dog Friday night while officers were chasing him and two other men during what police say was an attempted burglary. In the shooting melee, one of the men was shot by police and taken to the hospital with serious injuries and later died, according to Midvale Police Chief Tony Mason.
"Pop, pop, pop, pop, pop. It sounded just like firecrackers," said Midvale resident Colton Bain. He and his wife were watching a movie in an apartment, near 6700 South and 625 East, when the shots rang out just before 8:30 p.m. Since it was New Year's Day, Bain thought it wasn't anything out of the ordinary until he heard police shouting orders and saw myriad lights outside his window.
"We could see sparks coming from their guns," he said. "We laid down on the balcony and watched because we didn't want to get shot."
Bain said the area is typically very quiet, aside from freeway traffic running through the area.
Police responded to what was called in to dispatchers as a burglary in progress in the area, and the three men tried to escape over a 20-foot concrete retaining wall onto I-215. Police K-9s were called to the scene, as well as officers from other departments. Late Friday, police weren't sure how many shots were fired, but the area was secured for an overnight investigation.
"It's always a close call," Mason said. "They obviously feared for their lives, and this was what came of it."
The chief said the incident was being treated as an "officer-involved shooting," in which the officers involved will be placed on leave throughout the investigation. The dog's handler was present and, Mason said, "it's obviously very emotional for him." In addition to the Midvale officer and dog, an officer from the Cottonwood Heights Police Department was also on scene when the shooting occurred.
Koda, a Belgian Malinois, had been in service with the Midvale K-9 squad a little over a year but had just finished a second Utah Peace Officer Standards and Training course with a new handler a couple months ago. He was pronounced dead on location.
All three men, including the one taken to the hospital, were in police custody Friday night. Shortly after they fled, they were apprehended in the backyard of a residence. Police closed the road to all traffic while they investigated.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Okay, so here we have a senseless tragedy. Some douche bag, worthless criminals were up to no good and got caught. They tried to escape and opened fire on the responding police officers. In the process, they shot a police service dog and killed it. Very sad.
Now to follow-up on this story, let's go to Fields Moseley of KUTV Channel 2 and his report on funding for a new police service dog for the Midvale City Police Department. Fields?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Thanks, Mike.
Midvale Police will be able to replace a canine officer shot in the line of duty with money from the Salt Lake County District Attorney's Office.
"He was a very good dog and he did his job that night and saved police officer's lives," said Chief Tony Mason.
Koda was a three year old Belgian malinois. He was shot and killed January 1st while chasing a burglary suspect.
"Just a week before this occurred he had found a pound of marijuana in a car," said Mason of the well-liked dog.
Mason said the department only had two dogs. Kasch is still on duty. Even with donations from the public, there was little hope of replacing Koda.
"With the tough times and the budget cuts, it probably would've been quite a while before we would have been able to come up with some funding to replace Koda," said Mason.
The story might have ended there, but District Attorney, Lohra Miller, was moved by the loss of the canine officer. Her office explored the idea of using money from the Asset Forfeiture Fund.
"It's the attorney's fees we get for taking cases through the court to seize assets from drug dealers and criminals that are using it for illegal purposes," Miller said.
The money has to go to helping prosecute drug cases. Miller and the Salt Lake County Council has spent most of it upgrading computer systems in the District Attorney's offices. The council approved the $10,000 for the dog this week.
Midvale Police will never forget Koda, but another police dog, means his work will continue.
"We have an agreement with all the other surrounding agencies that all the canines on duty come and they all help. They all train together and work together, so that dog won't just be for Midvale. He'll be helping out all over the valley," said Mason.
Platt Electric Supply Company donated $4,000 and a private plane to fly officers back from California next week. They will be there picking out the new dog.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Okay, before I get to the really juicy part of this blog, let me first invite you to watch a portion of the FUNERAL SERVICES for the fallen police service dog. That's right... I said FUNERAL SERVICES. Let's go to KSL News Channel 5 for that story:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A private plane? A 10,000 dollar dog? Wouldn't it be cheaper to train some mutt from the mean streets of Salt Lake City? Are you fucking kidding me with this?
I do find it quite poetic that the new police service dog was funded by seized drug money.
I'll tell you what really chaps my hide about this entire thing. The police service dog was given FUNERAL SERVICES fit for a fallen peace officer, firefighter or military personnel. Including a procession and officers in their dress uniforms.
IT WAS A DOG!
I can't begin to describe how angry this makes me. This dog may have been a part of the police force, but it is an animal. Not a human being. A human putting their life on the line everyday in every type of situation is far more worthy of such respect and admiration than a damn dog!
And I'm sure this ridiculous funeral for this DOG cost the taxpayers a pretty penny to put on such a charade. This totally downplays the important role of such emotional events for an actual fallen, HUMAN officer killed in the line of duty.
Yes, this dog was a big part to assisting police officers. But it's not a police officer. It's a trained animal that is used for the EXACT purpose that got it killed. It is there to protect, assist, apprehend and DIE for the safety of it's human handlers and the community it serves.
I can totally appreciate and respect the role of a police service animal.
But being shot and killed "in the line of duty" has no meaning for a dog. Of course, many animal lovers out there would dispute this with me. Actually, many crazed animal lovers out there might even KILL me for having such an opinion as the one I'm presently sharing.
I DO NOT AGREE with a police service dog getting the same kind of treatment, funeral and honor guard that a fallen police officer (or any other type of credible service personnel) would receive. I find it degrading and insulting for the men and women serving their communities that are in far more greater danger everyday than what happened on this fateful night.
Personally, I think all officers should just have a crazed animal to release on anyone that is suspect. That way if the suspect turns out to be dangerous and pulls out a weapon, the animal would be the first to come into harms way saving it's AUTHENTIC human police handler.
Do you know how many dogs you could buy from the Humane Society for 10,000 dollars? I was amazed at that figure when I read it. 10 GRAND for a police service dog? Jesus! Does it speak Spanish for that price tag? Does it get a pension and life insurance? Are they raising and training these service animals at the finest resorts? Are they only fed a diet of the best cuts of beef and drink only the finest Evian water?
I'm not trying to be a dick and downplay the role of a reliable way to curb crime and apprehend criminals but what the hell? I say put the money to purchasing regular ol' mutts (and even cats) from animal shelters for use in active police roles in the field.
If an officer pulls over a couple of individuals in a stolen car, throw a cat pumped up on catnip in the car to claw the suspects in such a way that it throws them off from causing any harm to officers and/or property.
And should a weapon be drawn in the melee, let the cat take the beat-down while providing officers ample time and warning to open fire and kill every last motherfucking criminal in said stolen car.
If we can use animals for testing on a variety of chemicals and pre-market health care drugs, let's start using the nation's growing overpopulation of household pets to subdue criminals!
Is that drunk driver getting a little lippy during a sobriety check? Beat the offending drunk with a feisty ferret! Not only are they long and creepy but they claw, bite and smell! An officer is called out to a scene of domestic battery? Throw an AIDS infested rat in the abuser's pants to really teach that person a lesson!
But should the animal die while doing it's duty, we can save even more of the taxpayers money by dropping the dead animal in a shoebox and burying them in the yard like everyone else.
I suppose this means that this fallen dog is going to wind up with a place on the Fallen Police Officer's Memorial up at the State Capitol, huh? Maybe if we get enough dead animals we can build a whole different memorial in their honor.
Now if we could just put aborted fetuses to use as a way to prevent crime.
-Mike The Janitor
®2010
Millenoma Publishing
It was a dog.
A police service dog. A dog utilized within the K-9 unit of the Midvale City Police Department.
I had no idea about this story until my mom shared it with me earlier today. It wasn't the tragedy that I'm about to make light of. It was what took place after the fact. This news is fairly old to those here in Utah that watch the news. But it's new to me. Therefore, I had to sound off about it.
But before I go off on a rant that is sure to piss off some, let me make it clear here... I'm not trying to be cruel or inhumane about this terrible incident. I'm just expressing my opinion on something that I feel is completely silly.
The death of the animal is not silly. But the events following the dog's death are. At least, they are to me. Does this make me a bad person? Does it make me a hater of dogs in general? No. I just don't know when to shut my mouth. And, quite frankly, this entire story pisses me off.
To give you an idea of what it is I'm going to bitch about, let me first send you over to my affiliate, Wendy Leonard, of the Deseret News. Here she does a report on the incident that took place that led to the police service dog's death.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Midvale police dog is slain; man killed
Shootout occurs after what officers say was an attempted burglary
By: Wendy Leonard - Deseret News
Published: Saturday, Jan. 2, 2010 12:26 a.m.
MIDVALE — A man shot and killed a Midvale city police dog Friday night while officers were chasing him and two other men during what police say was an attempted burglary. In the shooting melee, one of the men was shot by police and taken to the hospital with serious injuries and later died, according to Midvale Police Chief Tony Mason.
"Pop, pop, pop, pop, pop. It sounded just like firecrackers," said Midvale resident Colton Bain. He and his wife were watching a movie in an apartment, near 6700 South and 625 East, when the shots rang out just before 8:30 p.m. Since it was New Year's Day, Bain thought it wasn't anything out of the ordinary until he heard police shouting orders and saw myriad lights outside his window.
"We could see sparks coming from their guns," he said. "We laid down on the balcony and watched because we didn't want to get shot."
Bain said the area is typically very quiet, aside from freeway traffic running through the area.
Police responded to what was called in to dispatchers as a burglary in progress in the area, and the three men tried to escape over a 20-foot concrete retaining wall onto I-215. Police K-9s were called to the scene, as well as officers from other departments. Late Friday, police weren't sure how many shots were fired, but the area was secured for an overnight investigation.
"It's always a close call," Mason said. "They obviously feared for their lives, and this was what came of it."
The chief said the incident was being treated as an "officer-involved shooting," in which the officers involved will be placed on leave throughout the investigation. The dog's handler was present and, Mason said, "it's obviously very emotional for him." In addition to the Midvale officer and dog, an officer from the Cottonwood Heights Police Department was also on scene when the shooting occurred.
Koda, a Belgian Malinois, had been in service with the Midvale K-9 squad a little over a year but had just finished a second Utah Peace Officer Standards and Training course with a new handler a couple months ago. He was pronounced dead on location.
All three men, including the one taken to the hospital, were in police custody Friday night. Shortly after they fled, they were apprehended in the backyard of a residence. Police closed the road to all traffic while they investigated.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Okay, so here we have a senseless tragedy. Some douche bag, worthless criminals were up to no good and got caught. They tried to escape and opened fire on the responding police officers. In the process, they shot a police service dog and killed it. Very sad.
Now to follow-up on this story, let's go to Fields Moseley of KUTV Channel 2 and his report on funding for a new police service dog for the Midvale City Police Department. Fields?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Thanks, Mike.
Midvale Police will be able to replace a canine officer shot in the line of duty with money from the Salt Lake County District Attorney's Office.
"He was a very good dog and he did his job that night and saved police officer's lives," said Chief Tony Mason.
Koda was a three year old Belgian malinois. He was shot and killed January 1st while chasing a burglary suspect.
"Just a week before this occurred he had found a pound of marijuana in a car," said Mason of the well-liked dog.
Mason said the department only had two dogs. Kasch is still on duty. Even with donations from the public, there was little hope of replacing Koda.
"With the tough times and the budget cuts, it probably would've been quite a while before we would have been able to come up with some funding to replace Koda," said Mason.
The story might have ended there, but District Attorney, Lohra Miller, was moved by the loss of the canine officer. Her office explored the idea of using money from the Asset Forfeiture Fund.
"It's the attorney's fees we get for taking cases through the court to seize assets from drug dealers and criminals that are using it for illegal purposes," Miller said.
The money has to go to helping prosecute drug cases. Miller and the Salt Lake County Council has spent most of it upgrading computer systems in the District Attorney's offices. The council approved the $10,000 for the dog this week.
Midvale Police will never forget Koda, but another police dog, means his work will continue.
"We have an agreement with all the other surrounding agencies that all the canines on duty come and they all help. They all train together and work together, so that dog won't just be for Midvale. He'll be helping out all over the valley," said Mason.
Platt Electric Supply Company donated $4,000 and a private plane to fly officers back from California next week. They will be there picking out the new dog.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Okay, before I get to the really juicy part of this blog, let me first invite you to watch a portion of the FUNERAL SERVICES for the fallen police service dog. That's right... I said FUNERAL SERVICES. Let's go to KSL News Channel 5 for that story:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A private plane? A 10,000 dollar dog? Wouldn't it be cheaper to train some mutt from the mean streets of Salt Lake City? Are you fucking kidding me with this?
I do find it quite poetic that the new police service dog was funded by seized drug money.
I'll tell you what really chaps my hide about this entire thing. The police service dog was given FUNERAL SERVICES fit for a fallen peace officer, firefighter or military personnel. Including a procession and officers in their dress uniforms.
IT WAS A DOG!
I can't begin to describe how angry this makes me. This dog may have been a part of the police force, but it is an animal. Not a human being. A human putting their life on the line everyday in every type of situation is far more worthy of such respect and admiration than a damn dog!
And I'm sure this ridiculous funeral for this DOG cost the taxpayers a pretty penny to put on such a charade. This totally downplays the important role of such emotional events for an actual fallen, HUMAN officer killed in the line of duty.
Yes, this dog was a big part to assisting police officers. But it's not a police officer. It's a trained animal that is used for the EXACT purpose that got it killed. It is there to protect, assist, apprehend and DIE for the safety of it's human handlers and the community it serves.
I can totally appreciate and respect the role of a police service animal.
But being shot and killed "in the line of duty" has no meaning for a dog. Of course, many animal lovers out there would dispute this with me. Actually, many crazed animal lovers out there might even KILL me for having such an opinion as the one I'm presently sharing.
I DO NOT AGREE with a police service dog getting the same kind of treatment, funeral and honor guard that a fallen police officer (or any other type of credible service personnel) would receive. I find it degrading and insulting for the men and women serving their communities that are in far more greater danger everyday than what happened on this fateful night.
Personally, I think all officers should just have a crazed animal to release on anyone that is suspect. That way if the suspect turns out to be dangerous and pulls out a weapon, the animal would be the first to come into harms way saving it's AUTHENTIC human police handler.
Do you know how many dogs you could buy from the Humane Society for 10,000 dollars? I was amazed at that figure when I read it. 10 GRAND for a police service dog? Jesus! Does it speak Spanish for that price tag? Does it get a pension and life insurance? Are they raising and training these service animals at the finest resorts? Are they only fed a diet of the best cuts of beef and drink only the finest Evian water?
I'm not trying to be a dick and downplay the role of a reliable way to curb crime and apprehend criminals but what the hell? I say put the money to purchasing regular ol' mutts (and even cats) from animal shelters for use in active police roles in the field.
If an officer pulls over a couple of individuals in a stolen car, throw a cat pumped up on catnip in the car to claw the suspects in such a way that it throws them off from causing any harm to officers and/or property.
And should a weapon be drawn in the melee, let the cat take the beat-down while providing officers ample time and warning to open fire and kill every last motherfucking criminal in said stolen car.
If we can use animals for testing on a variety of chemicals and pre-market health care drugs, let's start using the nation's growing overpopulation of household pets to subdue criminals!
Is that drunk driver getting a little lippy during a sobriety check? Beat the offending drunk with a feisty ferret! Not only are they long and creepy but they claw, bite and smell! An officer is called out to a scene of domestic battery? Throw an AIDS infested rat in the abuser's pants to really teach that person a lesson!
But should the animal die while doing it's duty, we can save even more of the taxpayers money by dropping the dead animal in a shoebox and burying them in the yard like everyone else.
I suppose this means that this fallen dog is going to wind up with a place on the Fallen Police Officer's Memorial up at the State Capitol, huh? Maybe if we get enough dead animals we can build a whole different memorial in their honor.
Now if we could just put aborted fetuses to use as a way to prevent crime.
-Mike The Janitor
®2010
Millenoma Publishing
1.23.2010
Unbalanced load
You know when you're doing laundry and the rinse cycle comes around on your washing machine? Usually the rinse cycle comes off without a hitch, right? But there are times when the washing machine suffers from an unbalanced load.
This is when the materials you're washing in your washing machine shift from a collective, balanced load in the washing machine tub to one side of the tub. This happens with heavier, thicker items like hoodies, sweaters, blankets and small animals or children.
As I sit here and type my first original blog since November of 2009, my washing machine is suffering an unbalanced load. It is having a total conniption fit and knocking about like it's going to break free from my laundry area and make a run for it.
I'm somewhat entertained by the unbalanced load dance it's presently doing. It's almost as if I have a sole cinder block in there knocking around. I mean, my washing machine is really banging about with a brutal force.
Not only is it shaking like a crazed coffee or meth addict, it's whacking into the side of my dryer. This is adding to the noise level of the unbalanced load taking place 10 feet to my right.
So I have to stop writing, walk over there and see WHAT IN THE HELL all the fuss is about. Except I'm scared of my washing machine right about now. It's flailing about in such a way that it could not only damage my dryer but ME!
Since my washing machine is about waist high (like most washers and dryers), it could very well knock into my junk causing irreversible damage. How would I explain that to emergency room doctors?
DOCTOR: "What happened?"
ME: "My washing machine attacked me!"
DOCTOR: "I see. Where does it hurt?"
ME: "MY JUNK! IT HIT ME IN THE JUNK! THE SON-OF-A-BITCH DID A LOW BLOW, CHEAP SHOT!"
DOCTOR: "And your washing machine did this?"
ME: "YES! And it smacked around my dryer, too! I wanna press charges!"
DOCTOR: "Let me give you an examination and I'll have the authorities come in here and take a statement. How's that?"
ME: "HELL YEAH! *sniffle*"
After a thorough examination, the doctor informs me that I'll be fine and my sexual performance should not be effected. He then sends in a detective from the Salt Lake City Police Department.
DETECTIVE: "I know this is hard for you, but can you describe your assailant?"
ME: "*sniffle* Yes, it was a standard looking washing machine. It's in classic appliance white with one large control knob for various wash cycles. A smaller knob for water level control and several buttons for different water temperatures."
DETECTIVE: "Can you describe the incident and how you came to be assaulted?"
ME: "I was just doing some laundry. My washing machine has never acted out this way before! *sniffle* I was washing some sheets, a hoodie, some t-shirts and a couple of towels! *sniffle*"
DETECTIVE: "Everything is going to be fine. Just take a deep breath and try to continue, ok?"
ME: "Yes, *sniffle* ok."
DETECTIVE: "I want you to look through these mug shots of washing machines we have on file. Is there one in here that looks like the model that assaulted you?"
ME: *starts leafing through a binder full of washing machine pictures* "Geee, I don't know. It all happened so fast. I'm not sure I could identify the right machine... these all look the same... WAIT! OH MY GOD! THIS ONE! THIS IS THE ONE THAT PUNCHED MY JUNK!"
DETECTIVE: "Ahhhhhh, yes. The Whirlpool Heavy Duty Super Capacity PLUS. This one has a history of laundry cleaning problems that we've picked it up for numerous times. If you feed it just a little too much laundry detergent and heavier cotton items, it gets belligerent quickly."
ME: "It's had issues of abuse in the past?"
DETECTIVE: "I'm afraid so. Does your washing machine have a dryer mate?"
ME: "Yes. Yes it does."
DETECTIVE: "A MATCHING dryer mate?"
ME: "Yes. It was also slapped about in this incident. But it didn't want to get check out nor did it want to come forward."
DETECTIVE: "This is very common with matching washer and dryer sets, sir. Many washing machines have a laundry issue. Such as an unbalanced load that causes the unit to jerk, jolt, bang and wiggle loudly and, sometimes, violently. In cases where a washing machine doesn't have a matching mate, for instance a Whirlpool washer and a Maytag dryer, the dryer will sometimes come forward because it has no matching allegiance to the assaulting washing machine. But, not to blame the victim here, such assaults can be avoided by making sure you have a suitable, balanced load that isn't over capacity."
ME: "OH! SO IT'S MY FAULT THAT THE WASHING MACHINE COULDN'T TAKE MY GIRTHY, MANLY LOAD! NOW YOU'RE MAKING MY WASHING MACHINE THE VICTIM HERE AND NOT MY TENDER, SWOLLEN BALLS! SCREW YOU, COPPER!"
DETECTIVE: "Sir, please calm down. I wasn't trying to judge or take sides. But we've come to find through these types of investigations that the operator of the washing machine just wasn't following the instructions on how to handle a washing machine. Has an incident like this happened before?"
ME: "Well, yeah. There have been a couple of instances where the washing machine rocked about a bit and then returned to normal on it's own. This time was different because it got really out of hand. I approached the washing machine to push the control knob and make it stop during the rinse cycle in mid-spin. But before I could do that, it pounded me in the nuts and slapped the dryer numerous times before I could stop it. IT WAS HORRIBLE! *sniffle*"
DETECTIVE: "I realize that this is going to be difficult for you to hear. And probably embarrassing since having to come to the emergency room after being assaulted by your washing machine. But I just don't see a worthwhile case here."
ME: "WHAT?! The damn thing lunged at me and hit my twig and berries! Not too mention that it was knocking around my dryer for a bit before I went to investigate the problem! I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS!"
DETECTIVE: "Nor can I believe that you've played out this entire incident in written form in a blog. I mean, REALLY?"
ME: "Well, it seemed really funny at the time."
DETECTIVE: "And now?"
ME: "Not so much."
I could just start this blog over with new subject matter but I won't. I'm just too lazy to go over and highlight all this text and click delete.
While that entire event was playing out in my mind and then running through my fingers into this blog, I came to find out that it was my fault that my washing machine was shaking like Michael J. Fox.
I had to keep adjusting the load I was washing to keep my washing machine from knocking about because the load was, in fact, heavier on one side that the other. I'm in the process of laundering a heavy hoodie that I wear at work. That was a wet, bundled mess on one side of the washing machine tub.
The other materials like my sheets, pillow cases and a couple of t-shirts were slapped up against the opposite side of the washing machine tub. The combined weight from the sheets and whatnot was far heavier than the weight of the hoodie.
The two opposing forces on either side of the washing machine tub made for a huge racket as my washing machine contorted about until I finally got up off of my ass here and went to make it stop. Jesus!
Aside from doing a little bit of laundry, I'm also trying to clean up my place and do some dishes. I can only use on sink full of dish water since I've run out of dish soap. I'd use some laundry soap but I'm afraid it'll cause my dishes to become unbalanced in their wash cycle and break.
Man, that was a stretch for a joke. And a bad one at that. Even I groaned at it.
Basically, I'm just waiting around and being lazy until I find the time is suitable for me to start drinking. But since I'm so broke that I can't afford dish soap, this also causes an issue for beer money.
Luckily, I still have a little bit of red wine and some vodka and some orange juice to tide me over and bring on a nice haze of tipsy to full-out drunk. But mixing the two could be a very bad combination because you should never mix your liquors.
I have to admit that I've been in a bit of a funk. But this is what happens when you're neurotic and bi-polar like me. I'm trying to not let it get my spirits down but it sure as hell seems to be happening anyway. DAMN IT!
Also, I don't feel all to well. I have some kind of pinched nerve under my left ear that is now radiating to the left of my upper back. It makes moving my head very unpleasant.
Add that to my continuing enlarged prostate issue and I'm a cornucopia of uncomfortable, dull pain. HELLO MID-30's! This is awesome to be a potential candidate for the medication known as FlowMax.
I learned more about the prostate back in October of 2009 when my doctor informed me that the troubles I was having were due to an enlarged prostate. He discovered this by giving me a rectal examination by putting his finger in my butt and feeling around.
To give you an idea of what the prostate is and how an enlarged prostate occurs, check out this informative video from the FlowMax website:
Your prostate and you: a look at BPH
Now, I'm not on FlowMax or any type of prescribed medication. I will say that when I saw the doctor back in October, he prescribed these giant horse pills and muscle relaxants that I had to take twice a day for 28 days. They were very effective and made me feel great! Especially the muscle relaxants.
However, when the medication ran out, I started to experience slightly worse pain than before I went to the doctor. After a couple of weeks, all of that disappeared and I had been feeling pretty okay.
But about a week ago, the pains that had been associated with my enlarged prostate came back around. Therefore, I need to go back to the doctor and probably get another finger in the butt, again. I might request a referral to a specialist and get some tests done, too. Since I have insurance, I might as well use it, right?
Getting old sucks. I'm going to be 37 years old in less than a month. WOOT! Do you know that the other day while I was at work I smelled the STRONG scent of burnt toast? I did. I thought I was about to have a stroke! I heard or read somewhere that some people who have suffered a stroke smelled burnt toast. Turns out, it was actually burnt toast because other people I work with smelled it, too. I just never found out where the smell originated from.
I have to get back to cleaning and drying that unbalanced load that started this entire rant of a blog. I've have more writings on the way so stay tuned.
-Mike The Janitor
©2010
Millenoma Publishing
This is when the materials you're washing in your washing machine shift from a collective, balanced load in the washing machine tub to one side of the tub. This happens with heavier, thicker items like hoodies, sweaters, blankets and small animals or children.
As I sit here and type my first original blog since November of 2009, my washing machine is suffering an unbalanced load. It is having a total conniption fit and knocking about like it's going to break free from my laundry area and make a run for it.
I'm somewhat entertained by the unbalanced load dance it's presently doing. It's almost as if I have a sole cinder block in there knocking around. I mean, my washing machine is really banging about with a brutal force.
Not only is it shaking like a crazed coffee or meth addict, it's whacking into the side of my dryer. This is adding to the noise level of the unbalanced load taking place 10 feet to my right.
So I have to stop writing, walk over there and see WHAT IN THE HELL all the fuss is about. Except I'm scared of my washing machine right about now. It's flailing about in such a way that it could not only damage my dryer but ME!
Since my washing machine is about waist high (like most washers and dryers), it could very well knock into my junk causing irreversible damage. How would I explain that to emergency room doctors?
DOCTOR: "What happened?"
ME: "My washing machine attacked me!"
DOCTOR: "I see. Where does it hurt?"
ME: "MY JUNK! IT HIT ME IN THE JUNK! THE SON-OF-A-BITCH DID A LOW BLOW, CHEAP SHOT!"
DOCTOR: "And your washing machine did this?"
ME: "YES! And it smacked around my dryer, too! I wanna press charges!"
DOCTOR: "Let me give you an examination and I'll have the authorities come in here and take a statement. How's that?"
ME: "HELL YEAH! *sniffle*"
After a thorough examination, the doctor informs me that I'll be fine and my sexual performance should not be effected. He then sends in a detective from the Salt Lake City Police Department.
DETECTIVE: "I know this is hard for you, but can you describe your assailant?"
ME: "*sniffle* Yes, it was a standard looking washing machine. It's in classic appliance white with one large control knob for various wash cycles. A smaller knob for water level control and several buttons for different water temperatures."
DETECTIVE: "Can you describe the incident and how you came to be assaulted?"
ME: "I was just doing some laundry. My washing machine has never acted out this way before! *sniffle* I was washing some sheets, a hoodie, some t-shirts and a couple of towels! *sniffle*"
DETECTIVE: "Everything is going to be fine. Just take a deep breath and try to continue, ok?"
ME: "Yes, *sniffle* ok."
DETECTIVE: "I want you to look through these mug shots of washing machines we have on file. Is there one in here that looks like the model that assaulted you?"
ME: *starts leafing through a binder full of washing machine pictures* "Geee, I don't know. It all happened so fast. I'm not sure I could identify the right machine... these all look the same... WAIT! OH MY GOD! THIS ONE! THIS IS THE ONE THAT PUNCHED MY JUNK!"
DETECTIVE: "Ahhhhhh, yes. The Whirlpool Heavy Duty Super Capacity PLUS. This one has a history of laundry cleaning problems that we've picked it up for numerous times. If you feed it just a little too much laundry detergent and heavier cotton items, it gets belligerent quickly."
ME: "It's had issues of abuse in the past?"
DETECTIVE: "I'm afraid so. Does your washing machine have a dryer mate?"
ME: "Yes. Yes it does."
DETECTIVE: "A MATCHING dryer mate?"
ME: "Yes. It was also slapped about in this incident. But it didn't want to get check out nor did it want to come forward."
DETECTIVE: "This is very common with matching washer and dryer sets, sir. Many washing machines have a laundry issue. Such as an unbalanced load that causes the unit to jerk, jolt, bang and wiggle loudly and, sometimes, violently. In cases where a washing machine doesn't have a matching mate, for instance a Whirlpool washer and a Maytag dryer, the dryer will sometimes come forward because it has no matching allegiance to the assaulting washing machine. But, not to blame the victim here, such assaults can be avoided by making sure you have a suitable, balanced load that isn't over capacity."
ME: "OH! SO IT'S MY FAULT THAT THE WASHING MACHINE COULDN'T TAKE MY GIRTHY, MANLY LOAD! NOW YOU'RE MAKING MY WASHING MACHINE THE VICTIM HERE AND NOT MY TENDER, SWOLLEN BALLS! SCREW YOU, COPPER!"
DETECTIVE: "Sir, please calm down. I wasn't trying to judge or take sides. But we've come to find through these types of investigations that the operator of the washing machine just wasn't following the instructions on how to handle a washing machine. Has an incident like this happened before?"
ME: "Well, yeah. There have been a couple of instances where the washing machine rocked about a bit and then returned to normal on it's own. This time was different because it got really out of hand. I approached the washing machine to push the control knob and make it stop during the rinse cycle in mid-spin. But before I could do that, it pounded me in the nuts and slapped the dryer numerous times before I could stop it. IT WAS HORRIBLE! *sniffle*"
DETECTIVE: "I realize that this is going to be difficult for you to hear. And probably embarrassing since having to come to the emergency room after being assaulted by your washing machine. But I just don't see a worthwhile case here."
ME: "WHAT?! The damn thing lunged at me and hit my twig and berries! Not too mention that it was knocking around my dryer for a bit before I went to investigate the problem! I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS!"
DETECTIVE: "Nor can I believe that you've played out this entire incident in written form in a blog. I mean, REALLY?"
ME: "Well, it seemed really funny at the time."
DETECTIVE: "And now?"
ME: "Not so much."
I could just start this blog over with new subject matter but I won't. I'm just too lazy to go over and highlight all this text and click delete.
While that entire event was playing out in my mind and then running through my fingers into this blog, I came to find out that it was my fault that my washing machine was shaking like Michael J. Fox.
I had to keep adjusting the load I was washing to keep my washing machine from knocking about because the load was, in fact, heavier on one side that the other. I'm in the process of laundering a heavy hoodie that I wear at work. That was a wet, bundled mess on one side of the washing machine tub.
The other materials like my sheets, pillow cases and a couple of t-shirts were slapped up against the opposite side of the washing machine tub. The combined weight from the sheets and whatnot was far heavier than the weight of the hoodie.
The two opposing forces on either side of the washing machine tub made for a huge racket as my washing machine contorted about until I finally got up off of my ass here and went to make it stop. Jesus!
Aside from doing a little bit of laundry, I'm also trying to clean up my place and do some dishes. I can only use on sink full of dish water since I've run out of dish soap. I'd use some laundry soap but I'm afraid it'll cause my dishes to become unbalanced in their wash cycle and break.
Man, that was a stretch for a joke. And a bad one at that. Even I groaned at it.
Basically, I'm just waiting around and being lazy until I find the time is suitable for me to start drinking. But since I'm so broke that I can't afford dish soap, this also causes an issue for beer money.
Luckily, I still have a little bit of red wine and some vodka and some orange juice to tide me over and bring on a nice haze of tipsy to full-out drunk. But mixing the two could be a very bad combination because you should never mix your liquors.
I have to admit that I've been in a bit of a funk. But this is what happens when you're neurotic and bi-polar like me. I'm trying to not let it get my spirits down but it sure as hell seems to be happening anyway. DAMN IT!
Also, I don't feel all to well. I have some kind of pinched nerve under my left ear that is now radiating to the left of my upper back. It makes moving my head very unpleasant.
Add that to my continuing enlarged prostate issue and I'm a cornucopia of uncomfortable, dull pain. HELLO MID-30's! This is awesome to be a potential candidate for the medication known as FlowMax.
I learned more about the prostate back in October of 2009 when my doctor informed me that the troubles I was having were due to an enlarged prostate. He discovered this by giving me a rectal examination by putting his finger in my butt and feeling around.
To give you an idea of what the prostate is and how an enlarged prostate occurs, check out this informative video from the FlowMax website:
Your prostate and you: a look at BPH
Now, I'm not on FlowMax or any type of prescribed medication. I will say that when I saw the doctor back in October, he prescribed these giant horse pills and muscle relaxants that I had to take twice a day for 28 days. They were very effective and made me feel great! Especially the muscle relaxants.
However, when the medication ran out, I started to experience slightly worse pain than before I went to the doctor. After a couple of weeks, all of that disappeared and I had been feeling pretty okay.
But about a week ago, the pains that had been associated with my enlarged prostate came back around. Therefore, I need to go back to the doctor and probably get another finger in the butt, again. I might request a referral to a specialist and get some tests done, too. Since I have insurance, I might as well use it, right?
Getting old sucks. I'm going to be 37 years old in less than a month. WOOT! Do you know that the other day while I was at work I smelled the STRONG scent of burnt toast? I did. I thought I was about to have a stroke! I heard or read somewhere that some people who have suffered a stroke smelled burnt toast. Turns out, it was actually burnt toast because other people I work with smelled it, too. I just never found out where the smell originated from.
I have to get back to cleaning and drying that unbalanced load that started this entire rant of a blog. I've have more writings on the way so stay tuned.
-Mike The Janitor
©2010
Millenoma Publishing
1.06.2010
Phlogging
This is not to be confused with "flogging". Like flogging a baby seal. Or the band "Flogging Molly". "Phlogging" is a concept that was introduced to me earlier today. It stands for "phone logging". Or "phlog", for short. This idea is ingenious and fantastic.
You call into an 800 number, enter a pin dedicated to your phlog and record yourself to be posted instantly on the internet. BRILLIANT! I discovered this through a site called "iPadio". You can go phlog yourself (ha ha ha... "go phlog yourself"... I made a funny) at: www.ipadio.com
My thanks to my longtime radio colleague and friend, Mike Stalker, for introducing me to such a thing. And to the team at iPadio for coming up with and creating such a cool idea.
-Mike The Janitor
©2010
Millenoma Productions & Publishing
You call into an 800 number, enter a pin dedicated to your phlog and record yourself to be posted instantly on the internet. BRILLIANT! I discovered this through a site called "iPadio". You can go phlog yourself (ha ha ha... "go phlog yourself"... I made a funny) at: www.ipadio.com
My thanks to my longtime radio colleague and friend, Mike Stalker, for introducing me to such a thing. And to the team at iPadio for coming up with and creating such a cool idea.
-Mike The Janitor
©2010
Millenoma Productions & Publishing
1.01.2010
DIRECTIVE NINE!
"DIRECTIVE NINE!" is not to be confused with the hit summer blockbuster of 2009 known as "District 9". "DIRECTIVE NINE!" (Yes, it must be typed in ALL CAPS complete with the exclamation point) was a series of "life goals" I made for myself at the beginning of 2009. I was so set on these "life goals" that I made an official list.
I call them "life goals" because I wanted to be apart from the herd of the "New Year's Resolutions" crowd. I wanted my list to mean something and be such a grand list that it came off more like a series of "life goals" within a "directive" type of plan. Does any of that make any sense?
Who cares.
For several weeks on MySpace t the beginning of 2009 (and you can research this for yourself), I was announcing that I had made a list of "life goals" in a secret document known as "DIRECTIVE NINE!" For those of you that have been longtime readers and fans of my blogs, you know this to be true.
For those of you that haven't been readers and fans... WOULD YOU GET ON THE BUS, ALREADY?! Jesus.
Anyway, I made the proclamation then that I would give full disclosure of "DIRECTIVE NINE!" on January 1st, 2010.
Well, guess what?
The time has come for me to unseal the top secret document known as "DIRECTIVE NINE!" and unleash it to the reading audience. Not only will I display "DIRECTIVE NINE!" here, but I will be writing a separate blog talking about each "life goal" and what its status is in my life today.
Here for you now is the series of "life goals" I made for myself on January 1st, 2009. A transcript of this can be supplied to you for a small fee of $10,000 dollars U.S.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
DIRECTIVE NINE!
CLASSIFIED: FOR EYES ONLY
01/01/2009
The following information has been created by and is only to be shared with YOU, Mike R. Millen. If, by January 1st, 2010, items on this list have not been completed or accomplished, you may release said information to the general public.
This list is to work in conjunction with other previously written and/or posted "life goals" made on or before January 1st, 2009. Good luck with your quest, Mike.
DIRECTIVE NINE!
*Try to gain full-time and well paid employment back in radio broadcasting. If a part-time position should become available to you here in Salt Lake, take it. Get your foot back in the door.
DIRECTIVE NINE.2!
*Invest time and effort into finding a serious, long-term relationship with a suitable partner of the opposite sex.
DIRECTIVE NINE.3!
*Should a relationship be accomplished before the end of 2009, seriously consider marriage and children. Don't let the opportunity pass you by if you feel it in your gut. You've missed the boat on this point several times in your past. Time to man up and stop fucking around. You're not 21 anymore.
DIRECTIVE NINE.4!
*Invest time, effort and money into publishing a book. Even if it's self-published, Mike. Also, invest time and effort in sending previously written material out to newspapers and magazines for possible freelance work. Perhaps even consider writing professionally.
DIRECTIVE NINE.5!
*Invest time, effort and money into creating your image via the Internet via a website and podcasts. Share yourself outside of the written form as a continuing way to entertain the masses. This has always been your calling and you know it. If you can't obtain a full-time radio gig (as previously outlined in "DIRECTIVE NINE!"), go after your talent, creativity and dream by utilizing it in an Internet based forum.
DIRECTIVE NINE.6!
*Invest better time, effort and money in your mom. Help her get a better car, a water heater and a new furnace. Investigate further on how to help her fix up her home with little or no cost to her. There has to be a way. FIND IT!
DIRECTIVE NINE.7!
*Try not to get discouraged. Try not to get angry. Try to be a better person for you and everyone around you. You know (as well as everybody else) that you live by the environment you create. If it's negative, you'll live negatively. It it's positive, you'll live positively. It all starts with you, Mike. Now put a smile on your face and make it happen. Don't just say you're going to do it, JUST DO IT!
END OF DOCUMENT
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-Mike The Janitor
©2010
Millenoma Publishing
I call them "life goals" because I wanted to be apart from the herd of the "New Year's Resolutions" crowd. I wanted my list to mean something and be such a grand list that it came off more like a series of "life goals" within a "directive" type of plan. Does any of that make any sense?
Who cares.
For several weeks on MySpace t the beginning of 2009 (and you can research this for yourself), I was announcing that I had made a list of "life goals" in a secret document known as "DIRECTIVE NINE!" For those of you that have been longtime readers and fans of my blogs, you know this to be true.
For those of you that haven't been readers and fans... WOULD YOU GET ON THE BUS, ALREADY?! Jesus.
Anyway, I made the proclamation then that I would give full disclosure of "DIRECTIVE NINE!" on January 1st, 2010.
Well, guess what?
The time has come for me to unseal the top secret document known as "DIRECTIVE NINE!" and unleash it to the reading audience. Not only will I display "DIRECTIVE NINE!" here, but I will be writing a separate blog talking about each "life goal" and what its status is in my life today.
Here for you now is the series of "life goals" I made for myself on January 1st, 2009. A transcript of this can be supplied to you for a small fee of $10,000 dollars U.S.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
DIRECTIVE NINE!
CLASSIFIED: FOR EYES ONLY
01/01/2009
The following information has been created by and is only to be shared with YOU, Mike R. Millen. If, by January 1st, 2010, items on this list have not been completed or accomplished, you may release said information to the general public.
This list is to work in conjunction with other previously written and/or posted "life goals" made on or before January 1st, 2009. Good luck with your quest, Mike.
DIRECTIVE NINE!
*Try to gain full-time and well paid employment back in radio broadcasting. If a part-time position should become available to you here in Salt Lake, take it. Get your foot back in the door.
DIRECTIVE NINE.2!
*Invest time and effort into finding a serious, long-term relationship with a suitable partner of the opposite sex.
DIRECTIVE NINE.3!
*Should a relationship be accomplished before the end of 2009, seriously consider marriage and children. Don't let the opportunity pass you by if you feel it in your gut. You've missed the boat on this point several times in your past. Time to man up and stop fucking around. You're not 21 anymore.
DIRECTIVE NINE.4!
*Invest time, effort and money into publishing a book. Even if it's self-published, Mike. Also, invest time and effort in sending previously written material out to newspapers and magazines for possible freelance work. Perhaps even consider writing professionally.
DIRECTIVE NINE.5!
*Invest time, effort and money into creating your image via the Internet via a website and podcasts. Share yourself outside of the written form as a continuing way to entertain the masses. This has always been your calling and you know it. If you can't obtain a full-time radio gig (as previously outlined in "DIRECTIVE NINE!"), go after your talent, creativity and dream by utilizing it in an Internet based forum.
DIRECTIVE NINE.6!
*Invest better time, effort and money in your mom. Help her get a better car, a water heater and a new furnace. Investigate further on how to help her fix up her home with little or no cost to her. There has to be a way. FIND IT!
DIRECTIVE NINE.7!
*Try not to get discouraged. Try not to get angry. Try to be a better person for you and everyone around you. You know (as well as everybody else) that you live by the environment you create. If it's negative, you'll live negatively. It it's positive, you'll live positively. It all starts with you, Mike. Now put a smile on your face and make it happen. Don't just say you're going to do it, JUST DO IT!
END OF DOCUMENT
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-Mike The Janitor
©2010
Millenoma Publishing
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